August 10, 2021 - Unemployment

I am SO over the job searching activities that seem to have dominated my life over the last year!! I want to curl up under a quilt with my teddy, suck my thumb and just ignore the entire thing.

 

Let the lights be turned off, send me to collections – a part of me no longer gives a shit. As long as my cats have food I will be fine. Really. Perhaps I can find a new therapist who will agree to fill out paperwork saying I am emotionally disabled, and unable to “adult” anymore then I can live off the system……………….

 

*SIGH*

However, I know that this course of action is not what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to be stronger than this. I am supposed to be self-motivated to work and pay my bills and be a productive member of society and a grown-up.

 

It just seems as though this limbo has been going on forever. I can barely remember what it was like to get up at the same time every morning, get dressed, do my makeup, drive to an office, have a set lunch break etc.

 

To date I have applied for 267 positions just in 2021 – let me repeat that TWO HUNDRED AND SIZTY-SEVEN!!! That is hours and days of my time researching, filling out applications, writing cover letters where I can (not all application platforms give you the option for a cover letter). Looking up the company, searching Linked In to find the appropriate manager so I can personalize the cover letter to their attention. I search seven different online job listing websites, troll the State listings, take recommendations and suggestions from friends, connect with former managers and co-workers to “net-work”, updated my resume, have several versions based on what the listing says they are looking for. Updated my Linked In account, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera ………..

 So far in 2021 I have had only FOUR follow ups / phone screening interviews. And I did prepare for those. Did my makeup, chose my location carefully, tested the lighting before hand etc …..

 

People tell me not to take it personally, that there are a lot of people out of work yadda yadda yadda ….. But that does not actually make me feel any better. I know they are trying to help, but it really doesn’t. I wish it did.

 

Which brings me back to my opening thought …. I am just tired and depressed and ready to give up. Perhaps it would not be all that bad living in my car.

August 09, 2021 - Saying "NO"

I know this subject has been written about, talked about, been the subject of talk shows and self-help books almost ad nauseum ……

 

So why then is it still so difficult for some of us to consistently set boundaries and, at least for me, not spend days feeling guilty about saying “no” or just ignoring generic requests for help?

 

See – I have gotten a bit better not raising my hand to volunteer for every thing that comes across my computer screen or mailbox. And then I spend days, or weeks, trying considering whether I “should” have said “yes” or perhaps there is a way I could manage to do whatever the request was. Even as I remind myself that I had already done that job and it was thankless and stressful, or I really do not have enough personal resources to either do the task justice, or do it at all.

And this re-thinking my decision is not done at the intellectual level – at least not with me. I can cause my guts to churn and create killer headaches. Which can make me second guess whether I should have said “No” in the first place.

 

So, what keeps pushing me to acquiesce and say Yes to everything? Like many people I worry that if I am not helping everyone who asks then I will be perceived as selfish, unhelpful or even a bitch. I know it is a symptom of my deep-rooted sense that I need to be a People Pleaser in order to be loved and liked. As if I will only be judged worthy of being their friend, or they will want to spend time with me once I have proven my worth as a person.

 

Years of therapy and I still have only a little understanding of where this messed up thinking comes from. A part is a learned behavior from living with an alcoholic parent when I was growing up. And then there was a key inter-personal relationship with an abusive partner who did his best to undermine my self-esteem. Another factor comes from moving so often as a kid, having to re-start and try to make all new friends every 2-3 years, but knowing in the back of my mind that it would not last longer than our next move but desperate to make any form of connection while I could.

And perhaps it is just a part of my innate nature as an Introvert, one who never really liked change regardless of what I may say to others at the time.

August 08, 2021 - Let's Talk About Hair .....

 

Specifically, I am talking about MY hair, because it is unlikely I have much insight into YOUR hair routine correct?

 

I have had a borderline obsession with my hair for most of my life. It is something that I consider one of my best, and most defining, features. And while I have not always appreciated, or embraced the chaos that is the norm for natural curly hair, at this point in time I am extremely protective of it.

 

Some history that may be helpful in understanding my feelings.

 

When I was about 5 or 6 my hair was a soft brown, very thick with large waves and it fell to my waist. I loved my hair. I loved the feeling of Mom brushing out my hair. We used to take regular baths but even at that age we only washed my hair once a week, partly because it really did not need to be done more often and it took a LONG time to dry – usually overnight.

 

Then one day my grandmother (Mom’s mother) decided that such long hair was too much work for my mother to deal with every day when getting me ready for school. This conclusion she reached without EVER talking to Mom about it. So during a regular “spend and afternoon with the grandparents” outing, she took me to her hair dresser. I had NO idea that I was about to have my hair chopped off. Before I really understood what was going on, this woman I did not know grabbed a handful of my hair around ear level and cut a hank off in one fell swoop. I do remember being horrified seeing all my hair on the floor and screaming. But she just continued to cut and cut and cut – and when I was finally allowed to look into a mirror my hair had been reduced to a very short, very boyish, pixie cut that totally exposed my neck and ears.

 

I have a feeling that grandpa was NOT privy to this plan as it was a very quiet trip back to my house. But quiet went out the window when my mother got her first look at what had happened. I was sent to my room but could not escape the yelling Mom was directing at her mother. I cried for weeks and asked when I could get my hair back. It’s hard at that age to understand the permanence of a lot of events.

 

This incident was just one of those that happened with my grandmother when I was young, and each one undermined my trust in adults.

At 13 I chose to cut my hair short – but not as short as a pixie. But this time I think it was in an effort to gain approval from my father. He had always said he thought I looked better with short hair, but I just look very, very young. And again, after a week I regretted cutting it. The last time I got a drastic style change I was 21 and I think I was trying to conform to some sort of societal expectation that as an adult you have short hair. But again it never felt like ME.

 

So, 35+ years later and I have not cut any significant amount off the length of my hair in those years. I wish that meant that my hair was now longer than I am tall, but unfortunately my hair’s natural stopping point is at my waist. And that is only visible when it is soaking wet. And I have no plans to cut it in the future either. In fact, when you consider hair styles throughout history – most women never cut their hair – regardless of their age – unless they got very ill.

 

Glad the rules around styles are more relaxed now so that I can wear my hair however I want for as long as I want.

August 07, 2021 - Stamps and Jewelry

 

So, during the last visit I made to Arkansas to help out my dad we had a discussion about the logistics and timing of potentially moving him up to New England where we would share living accommodations. That way I can keep an eye on him and be there when he has another health issue that requires medical intervention.

 

The biggest stumbling blocks at the moment though are my current condo and its multiple flights of stairs (which he really cannot navigate easily), and not working full time so I could rent an apartment as I would need someplace to live once my condo sold. And yes, selling the condo and moving into someplace with less stairs has been a plan for the next few years.

 

So, in preparation for that I decided to begin going through the house and taking a hard look at what I own, what I need and what I want to retain because of sentiment. The first place I started was my dressing table – specifically the jewelry box and drawers.

 

This was both easier and more difficult than I had thought. And I realized that for me I will hold on to things for several years out of sentiment before I feel ready to make a more rational decision about what I will keep and what I can pass on. So fortified with a large mug of coffee I emptied out two drawers onto my bed and went through everything. There were quite a few things I found easy to set aside – mostly because they were not in colors I ever wear and/or were not my style at all.

 

I re-found that a variety of wedding rings also – the new set my parents got for Mom for their Fiftieth Anniversary – those of course are going nowhere soon. I also realized I had my mother’s parents’ rings as well as a set from the Hesters – an elderly couple my mother took care of (including settling their estates). After checking that my brother was okay with my selling Mimi and Papa’s rings, I made an appointment at Longs Jewelers and let them, and a few other pieces, go.

 

Also, to be sold as part of this part of the downsizing were several stamp collections books – including the one from my Great-Grandfather Mattison that had stamps from Finland and surrounding areas dating back to the 1860s.

 So, the serious downsizing has begun. Though I am sure this will not be the final time I do this.

August 06, 2021 - Crafts on Hold

 One of the things that has really changed for me in the last six years are that certain creative activities I used to do every year, almost without fail, I have either done only a few times or not at all since June 2015 when my Mother died.

Specifically, I have been thinking about the cooking and canning that used to take up a lot of my time each Summer and Autumn. I would venture into various farms and fields to pick different fruits, and obtain vegetables. Then a weekend would be spent prepping, blending and canning. These are activities that I realized last year I was not actually doing anymore.

However, I think there are two reasons for this. The first being that since Mom passed, I have not been hosting Exchange Students. And they were a large factor in how quickly I would use the canned items I had in the pantry. So that each year it felt as though I was “re-stocking” the larder. Where as right now it would only feel as if I was creating new inventory that I would just need to find storage for.

 

I also am finding that over the last 15 months my desire/motivation to make meals from scratch has diminished quite a bit. In part because my depression has been really bad and that has affected my appetite.

I also used to explore some medieval style items, but as there have not been any in-person SCA events to display or provide largesse for. There were no in-person Quilt Guild meetings or parties, so that meant I did not “need” to have items as gifts. Additionally, since I have not worked in an office since early 2018 where I used to make gift baskets for co-workers, that has not occurred either.

 Perhaps when the world gets back to something more resembling “normal” I will have cleared out more of my current stock and have groups to prepare new items for.

August 05, 2021 - Death of Language

 

This is not a new topic, as I know other friends have commented either on social media or in personal conversation.

 

It is the butchering of not only spelling, but punctuation and proper grammar. In some ways I blame texting. Back when mobile phones had crappy typing abilities and you would need to push a number multiple times to get the letter you wanted – then some shortcuts made sense. Such as u for you, 4 for for etc…

 

However with smartphones you can talk to text so there is no reason to keep using those old shortcuts. And when I see those in posts on Facebook, where I am assuming a lot of people were creating their posts on a computer and not a phone – then it really gets my goat.

 

I used to see this in business emails as well – responses with NO punctuation so you never knew when one sentence started and another stopped. Especially as all email programs do have a form of Spell Check – how is it even acceptable, on any level, for typos? I am just talking about basic conveyance of communication. Nothing fancy as in a technical report, award winning novel or graded essay. 

And yet, as much as I cringe when I read something where the author has used the incorrect version of your - you’re or to-too-two … Listening to people murder words in their speech is the equivelant of fingernails down a chalkboard. I have bitten my tongue more often than I would have ever thought I would need to in order not to interrupt those people and correct their linguistics.

 

The word is ASK not AX.

You are over using the word “literal / literally”

Shouting and repeating the same phrase over and over is not winning anyone over to your side, nor does it make any sense. i.e. “Did I say that? Did I say that? Did I Did I say that?   say that? Did I say that? Did I say that? Did I say that? Did I say that? Did I say that?....”

 

I really worry about the people who are younger than I am and will be taking over the leadership of institutions and governments. And yes – I know that makes me sound a million years old.

August 04, 2021 - Cleaning

 

I do not understand why, with all the technologies we have developed, houses are not yet self- cleaning!!

Sure – there are Roombas – but they are not practical when you live in a multi-story abode. Even if I were to install one on each level – the stairs will still be ignored. I have seen built in vacuum systems for a house where you can sweep the kitchen floor and it is sicked up through a vent in the baseboards, or those where you plug in the hoses to a wall port – but I would still be doing the floors.

And why can’t bathrooms be self-cleaning? And not in the way that some public facilities in Europe are were once you exit the entire thing is hosed down on the inside. Perhaps just a special light turns on to kill all bacteria etc when you leave and close the door.

Also, if I can buy a refrigerator that keeps inventory for me – why not one that can automatically dispose of expired and spoiled foods? Or a laundry system that sorts things sent down a chute and when a bin is full it is sent through the washing and dryer cycles.

 

Now I know some people would say that I could hire a service to do my cleaning, and install a whole house vacuum, or even purchase an automatic cat litter box, though I would still need to top of the clean litter.

 

Unfortunately, as with many things that I want, or dream of, my limiting factor is money. Automatic systems and appliances are not cheap. And even when I was working full time my budget never felt as though I could afford routine outside help.

 

So I guess it’s time for me to just hunt down a Sugar Daddy – or win the Lottery.