Friday Confessional

 Okay, here goes: 

I am not always a nice person, and try as I might I do not always love my neighbor as myself. I have moments, hours or days where I either want to punch someone in the face, push them down the stairs or just get in their face and scream.

Sometimes these people live in my house, or are family, or friends, or coworkers, or just someone I know through the Internet. But one of them will do, say or type something that I will need all of my will power not to respond to in a violent manner. But I will stew about it, and plot all sorts of retaliations in my head.

And here is another secret, sort of relating to the first:

Sometimes I really want to be the one in the limelight. Which I think is a bad thing. Not only because it is somehow shallow and vain, but I seem to have internalized a societal message that says big girls should not want to be the center of attention. After all nobody really wants to see a fat chick stand up and speak. And those who are subjected to such a display are probably focused on why that woman has such a lack of will power or discipline that she would let herself become that way. 

And yet .... I still have these moments when I want to be seen, acknowledged or thanked. And it can take me weeks to get into a frame of mind where I think "I CAN stand in front of a group and they will not laugh at me but think what I have to say is worthwhile or enjoyable." So I go through this process of mental gymnastics and talking to myself right up to the moment I have to stand there. Front and center. And each time I almost convince myself that THIS time it will be okay - it will live up to my rehearsals and I will walk away from the experience feeling good.

Except that most of the time it doesn't end as I want or hope.

A couple of posts back I wrote about the quilts I made for WCC, specifically the two portrait quilts for Rick Yount and Molly Morelli. I always have intense anxiety when I present quilts to people, especially special projects. And I was being very conscious of the fact I was not a part of the planning or work committee who put the event together and I did not want to step on anyone's toes - so I made very sure to check with two people on the committee about when they thought would be a good time to give the quilts to Rick and Molly.

Once I got the "Go Ahead" I moved fast - before I completely chickened out. Getting people's attention and then calling the hosts of the event forward. The toast to thank everyone and then giving the quilts. Except even though I had rehearsed what I wanted to say ... I felt pushed, rushed and did not even say half of what I planned. I felt as though I had to talk as fast as I could and get off stage before I lost people's attention and they started to whisper about me.

Plus the setting was not ideal - very loud, no sound system and I felt as though I was shouting at folks. So overall I felt the entire presentation was not done well. Yes I heard "Thank you" from Rick and Molly and a smattering of people nearby clapped.

But selfishly let me say what I had HOPED would happen. That some people would come over and want to take a closer look and really SEE the quilts. Instead they were quickly shoved back into bags. I wanted to hear, in person, some acknowledgements about the colors, workmanship - something. In fact the only comments I did hear were from people who asked what I had given them as they had not heard anything I said not seen what they were holding.

Instead what did happen was that another attendee, who had not asked anyone on the committee as I understand it, stood on a bench and for the next half hour talked and made "Awards" to various people who seemed to not really know what to make of it all. And then made a large production of a "book" she had created for Rick and Molly. By the time she was finished I could not have felt more deflated than if I was a week old balloon. In fact I felt so dejected I escaped into the Ladies Room to throw up and have a little cry.

What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I be that self promoting? Wasn't what I had to say or contribute as worthy of accolades and attention as another person? And how dare she act as she did. I just wanted that moment - but perhaps that was really just too much to ask for - as usual.

And why couldn't I just be happy with the nice comments I read on Facebook when I posted pictures of the quilts there? Why does it matter whether I hear the words in person or on a screen?

I have been turning this over and over in my head since it happened. And while my initial anger at the attention hag who stood up after me, and then proceeded to be more outrageous the next day as well, has abated a little - I am still upset and thinking mean thoughts about her. Like how many times her head would bounce off the treads when I pushed her down the stairs.

I told you I wasn't a very nice person.

Am I Missing Something ???

HUH ????

For the past year I have been a supporter of an organization called Warrior Canine Connection (WCC).  www.warriorcanineconnection.org.  Their mission and focus is fairly straight forward: Help warriors of any military branch learn to resolve some of the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) symptoms by working with future service dogs. By teaching the dogs that it is okay to be in a crowd, that a slamming door is just a noise and nothing to be scared of, how to interact with people in public and expose them to a wide range of situations and environments – the warriors also relearn these lessons. There is the added dimension for the trainers that they know these animals will one day be working dogs for a fellow warrior with physical limitations.

Now even though I would probably describe myself as a “cat person” – I like puppies, I like any sort of baby animals actually – so I checked out the site. And learned they had a live webcam on Explore.org. Boy were these puppies CUTE!  Two week old Golden Retrievers who were just beginning to scootch around their whelping box. I was checking in several times a day to see what they were up to and to read the other viewer’s comments. Some of which were silly, some sweet and some just … out there.

I began to get to know these other viewers and did a lot more reading about WCC, the founder and other research into the various ways that human and animal connections can help both – sometimes in ways we still really do not understand. I read a lot about service animals: history, training, breeding, rescues and testimonials. I even talked to vets I knew about their pets or animals they have known and/or taken care of while deployed.

I have become passionate about finding ways to not only inform others about this group but to help them as I can. And I have gotten to know some amazing people who, for their own reasons, also feel strongly about supporting this group, some of whom have gone above and beyond merely being an advocate to reaching out to get media coverage or physical improvements made to the facility.

But amid all these positive intents and intentions – I have also run into what I think of as the “Others”.

I believe that the Others are no less passionate or committed. And perhaps it is just that their reactions are the norm for them. But all too frequently what they chose to share online with postings or responses to postings cause me to raise an eyebrow in confusion. Perhaps it is just that hyperbole has become so common in our media it makes people feel as though replies and reactions need to be as well in order to have value? Or am I just a cold hearted wench?

For example: Last summer the first litter of puppies that had been on the live camera feed were leaving the main facility to go live with their “puppy parents” – people that would raise them for the next year or so and school them in basic obedience as well as make sure they attended special Service Dog trainings.  WCC allowed the cameras to show the process live, and there were many of the Others who were commenting about how upset they were, that they were sobbing while at their computers and some who said they could not bear to watch.

THIS is where I start to feel like a b!tch, when I want to respond to these folks – THESE ARE DOGS !!! Yes they are cute and fun to watch. However they are not yours, they are not being taken to the river to be thrown in while in a weighted sack – they are going to homes, receive training and then go on to do what they were bred for. To SERVE a wounded warrior.  Do not get me wrong, I have strong attachments to my own pets and mourn when one dies – I guess I can just see the greater purpose these puppies have in fulfilling an important function.

Then there are those who feel the need to “dog-i-fy” words and phrases as if that would prove to the Others their true support. So posts are now full of OMD (oh my dog), paw-some, high-paw (instead of high five) and LMWBO (Laugh my wiggly butt off). 

And finally there are the “writers” among the Others. And I put the word writers into quotation marks deliberately. And because I do acknowledge that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to other people’s writings. I don’t think spelling, punctuation, spacing, tense consistency or sentence structure should be optional. And yet, no matter how cringe worthy I may find a specific story or fictional scenario there will be a host of the Others who will laud the author with accolades, comments about genius and more weeping with deep emotion at their keyboards.

Is it any wonder that while I may have a cute paragraph or two come to mind, or maybe re-word a song’s lyrics to match an amusing event, I don’t share them with the Others. I am too afraid that their leader will somehow find a way to assimilate me into their mother ship – like the Borg.

I would make a very bad Seven of Nine.

Pushing My Comfort Zone

Last month I did something WAY outside of my comfort zone. I went away for the weekend.

This is unusual for me on two levels. First because I normally don’t have anywhere to go except my home at the end of the work week, my family no longer has a “Summer Place” where we used to travel to for various visits during the summer. And secondly because I went to meet up with a group of people, mostly women, who I only know from the Internet. In fact, there was only one woman present whom I had ever met before in person.

What we all have in common though is our passion for, and commitment to, a program called Warrior Canine Connection (WCC).  www.warriorcanineconnection.org. We were gathering to commemorate the one year anniversary of this group’s inception and connection with each other and WCC’s mission.

So a break in my routine combined with a large number of relative “strangers” and you could say I was a little stressed about the entire endeavor. Adding to my unease were the quilts – all four of them. Two which I had made for donation to a silent auction to raise funds for WCC and two I meant as gifts for the weekend’s hosts: Rick Yount, founder and Executive Director and Molly Morelli the dog breeder and Director of Dog Programs.

The two auction quilts I was feeling a bit calmer about. I had chosen to make one in patriotic themes and colors and the other featured cute dog faces with dimensional ears that flopped. Considering the mission and work done at WCC I felt certain that these two motifs would appeal to the majority of attendees and bidders. And they did – the quilts raised $475, with a real bidding war at the end on the dog quilt.

Dog Earred

Eagle Stars

My real anxiety was over the two wall hanging portrait quilts I had made for Rick and Molly. Over the past year of watching the three litters of puppies, their interactions with all sorts of people and seeing Rick and Molly’s daughter Mia grow up interacting with all these wonderful animals I noticed something. Many of the people who visited and were there to help socialize the puppies would bring presents for Mia. I understand that – she is a very cute inquisitive child and watching her interactions with the puppies can be quite humorous. But more and more I felt that some sort of physical recognition for Molly and Rick should be made. Not just donating to the cause or purchasing something off of the organization’s Amazon wish list. Not that those two acts are not important – but they don’t really honor these two people who seem to devote so much of their time and energies into making this program a success and helping as many veterans as possible.

The idea for the first quilt came to me in February 2013. A very active supporter and volunteer, Alice Belthoff, had been visiting the newly finished Puppy Enrichment Center (PEC) when Misty’s puppies were in residence. While there she happened to snap a picture of Mia – forehead to forehead – with one of the yellow Lab puppies. There was just something in the physical relationship to each other, the colors and composition that really hit me on an artistic level. I posted a comment to the picture on Facebook asking Alice if she would mind my using the picture as the basis for a quilt design. She agreed and Molly made a comment that she would love to buy such a quilt.

That was the spark that made my vague idea of interpreting this image into fabric a more definite plan. And then it was announced that there would be a get together in Brookeville for the one year anniversary. And of course, being me, I thought “I can’t make something for Molly without having something for Rick.” And my Internet search turned up a photograph taken several years ago of Rick with the original service dog Gabe – the one that had started Rick on the path of really looking into the people/dog connection and how it can help those suffering with various mental disorders – like warriors with PTSD.

Now I had my images, but what was I thinking????? I don’t have the skills to pull this off, they are going to wind up looking like caricatures, there is no way I can do two in three months on top of everything else !!! Yep, I had a real melt down there for a few weeks. But at this point no one but me even knew I was thinking about it, so if I started one and it sucked I could just toss it and none would be the wiser. But I found as I began the process that it went much faster than I had expected. And I began to think I could do this. So I told a few people online what was up, and now the pressure was on. I had to finish because others were waiting to see them. 

I do find that we, as artists and craftspeople, are the harshest critics of our own work. Even though people in attendance told me how much they liked them, and I was thanked by both recipients I look at each piece and think of what I could have done better, different or more intense work on. I am trying to just breathe through it, remember that “Done is Good” and trust that if they really were awful someone would have said something along the way. I hope.

"LEGACY" - Made for Molly Morello

"DEVOTION" - Made for Rick Yount