Friday Confessional

 Okay, here goes: 

I am not always a nice person, and try as I might I do not always love my neighbor as myself. I have moments, hours or days where I either want to punch someone in the face, push them down the stairs or just get in their face and scream.

Sometimes these people live in my house, or are family, or friends, or coworkers, or just someone I know through the Internet. But one of them will do, say or type something that I will need all of my will power not to respond to in a violent manner. But I will stew about it, and plot all sorts of retaliations in my head.

And here is another secret, sort of relating to the first:

Sometimes I really want to be the one in the limelight. Which I think is a bad thing. Not only because it is somehow shallow and vain, but I seem to have internalized a societal message that says big girls should not want to be the center of attention. After all nobody really wants to see a fat chick stand up and speak. And those who are subjected to such a display are probably focused on why that woman has such a lack of will power or discipline that she would let herself become that way. 

And yet .... I still have these moments when I want to be seen, acknowledged or thanked. And it can take me weeks to get into a frame of mind where I think "I CAN stand in front of a group and they will not laugh at me but think what I have to say is worthwhile or enjoyable." So I go through this process of mental gymnastics and talking to myself right up to the moment I have to stand there. Front and center. And each time I almost convince myself that THIS time it will be okay - it will live up to my rehearsals and I will walk away from the experience feeling good.

Except that most of the time it doesn't end as I want or hope.

A couple of posts back I wrote about the quilts I made for WCC, specifically the two portrait quilts for Rick Yount and Molly Morelli. I always have intense anxiety when I present quilts to people, especially special projects. And I was being very conscious of the fact I was not a part of the planning or work committee who put the event together and I did not want to step on anyone's toes - so I made very sure to check with two people on the committee about when they thought would be a good time to give the quilts to Rick and Molly.

Once I got the "Go Ahead" I moved fast - before I completely chickened out. Getting people's attention and then calling the hosts of the event forward. The toast to thank everyone and then giving the quilts. Except even though I had rehearsed what I wanted to say ... I felt pushed, rushed and did not even say half of what I planned. I felt as though I had to talk as fast as I could and get off stage before I lost people's attention and they started to whisper about me.

Plus the setting was not ideal - very loud, no sound system and I felt as though I was shouting at folks. So overall I felt the entire presentation was not done well. Yes I heard "Thank you" from Rick and Molly and a smattering of people nearby clapped.

But selfishly let me say what I had HOPED would happen. That some people would come over and want to take a closer look and really SEE the quilts. Instead they were quickly shoved back into bags. I wanted to hear, in person, some acknowledgements about the colors, workmanship - something. In fact the only comments I did hear were from people who asked what I had given them as they had not heard anything I said not seen what they were holding.

Instead what did happen was that another attendee, who had not asked anyone on the committee as I understand it, stood on a bench and for the next half hour talked and made "Awards" to various people who seemed to not really know what to make of it all. And then made a large production of a "book" she had created for Rick and Molly. By the time she was finished I could not have felt more deflated than if I was a week old balloon. In fact I felt so dejected I escaped into the Ladies Room to throw up and have a little cry.

What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I be that self promoting? Wasn't what I had to say or contribute as worthy of accolades and attention as another person? And how dare she act as she did. I just wanted that moment - but perhaps that was really just too much to ask for - as usual.

And why couldn't I just be happy with the nice comments I read on Facebook when I posted pictures of the quilts there? Why does it matter whether I hear the words in person or on a screen?

I have been turning this over and over in my head since it happened. And while my initial anger at the attention hag who stood up after me, and then proceeded to be more outrageous the next day as well, has abated a little - I am still upset and thinking mean thoughts about her. Like how many times her head would bounce off the treads when I pushed her down the stairs.

I told you I wasn't a very nice person.

Experiencing a Thin Place



Melrose Abbey, one of the most pwerful Thin Places I have ever been to.



In a recent conversation the person I was speaking with made reference to a “Thin Place” which rather threw me. I had not come across that phrase before – well aside from teaching one of the girls how to roll out a pie crust and warning of pulling it too taut so it broke.

But the words stuck with me and I did some poking around on the Internet to see what I could learn about this concept from a spiritual perspective – which is the context I heard it in.

It is a phrase that seems to have originated within the Celtic community and is most commonly associated with the Spirituality of Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England. At the most basic level it refers to those places where we become aware of the other side of the veil, that very thin barrier which keeps up apart from the Divine, the past  or the presence of God most of the time. Other groups may call it spiritual discernment. Not everyone can sense it, experience the awareness of it or even believe it exists.

And that is okay. Perhaps it is not meant to be a group experience. Perhaps like many of the Gifts of the Spirit mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12 there are certain gifts each person receives, and asking for them all would not only be greedy but in many ways, overwhelming.  Spiritual gifts are different from natural talents. The spiritual gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy, faith, healing, miracles, spiritual discernment, speaking in tongues and the interpretation of tongues are special abilities imparted by God's Holy Spirit. They are not intended to gain personal attention and praise, but rather to help the recipient build up other Christians and strengthen their faith.

But getting back to the topic of Thin Places. The more I read the more I found myself nodding in agreement with what was appearing on my screen. And I began to think about the times in my life where I had this sense that there was more happening in that moment and that place, than just what I could see with my eyes. Times when I have touched a part of an old wall and been filled with a feeling of returning, of history or emotion that was out of proportion to the occurrences in that space and time.

There have been instances in my life where I would suddenly be gripped by feelings so strong they were almost tangible entities standing in front of me. Some of these experiences were frightening, some incredibly emotional and others sent strong tingles along my spine and fingertips. And contrary to what a lot of people might think, most of these “encounters” have not been in expected locations. Once or twice such a feeling has come to me at a ruined church or well known landmark. But most often it has been in more common moments. A front walkway, on a phone call, standing in a doorway, or a living room and once in a small woods.

In talking about Thin Places it can be helpful to make the distinction between such a place and a Thin Moment. I believe such moments are more common than places. Many of us have had an experience that we have felt at such a deeply personal and spiritual level that we cannot ignore the truth of the presence of God or the sense of Other. To date my most profound such experience was beside my grandfather’s bed as he was dying. But that is for another time.

So you may be asking – why would I be writing about this now? Mostly because of two specific instances that occurred in the last couple of months: Amy’s death and then a phone call from Hawk a few days later.

On Sunday, March 10^th the girls and I had driven down to Amy’s in order to drop off a week’s worth of meals for her, something we had been doing since she was let out of the rehab facility. This visit however was different from the first moment.

The apartment was not different and nothing all that out of the usual occurred, there was just a sense of change in the air. I am not sure either of the girls were aware of it but I do believe Amy picked up on it as well. She had taken a nasty fall the day before and aside from our usual tasks for her we had supplied her with two ice bags for the bruising which was causing her so much discomfort. Except this was more like a massive hematoma rather than just a bruise, and I asked her if she did not think we should have a doctor take a look at the damage. That is when she gave me the first of two “looks”. Not a hostile or dismissive look but almost one of KNOWING.

As we were leaving that afternoon I had a deep sense that I was supposed to try and say one more thing – as I turned in the doorway to address her in the special chair she relied so much on – the words would not come. But I did have the strongest urge to take a clandestine photograph of her. And a sense that this would be the last time I would ever see her.

This unfortunately became truth when two days later I received a call telling me she had collapsed and died a few hours earlier. At a deep level I was neither surprised not shocked by this news – I knew it from the first ringing of the phone. She had made her good-byes in her own way and was ready to leave her earthly body for a better existence. My moments of awareness were an example of a Thin Moment. An awareness of the greater spiritual forces and schedules at work all around us. Even when a person doesn’t believe in them, like Amy.

The next evening I received one of my sporadic calls from Hawk. However for the first time there was something in his voice that really grabbed me – a sense of finality and fate. And a sense of what I could describe as dread come over me – I remember thinking “This is the last time I am going to talk to him”. A feeling not eased by his words.

These two encounters seem to have almost reawakened something inside me. A heightened sense of awareness perhaps that I have been able to identify such moments and places since I was very young.   ­­­­­

My Mind Went A Wandering ....

Here is something that most people won't talk about but almost everyone has thought about.

Their bathroom habits.

Not whether they use the paper "shields" or how much they wash their hands, but tending to this need in public. Especially at work.

We all have our own version of regular or normal. But now that I have been working for about two weeks things are .... changing. Not the sort of changes that make me think "Oh no - I need to run to the doctor" but different. Admittedly when I was home most days I really did not have much of a schedule even though I did make an attempt to maintain a regular bed time and rising time.

But truthfully the only meal I use to eat on a regular basis was dinner - both before the girls arrived and after. However I made a comittment to myself that I was going to eat lunch each day. And by that I really meant I will leave my desk each day for about 20-30 minutes and go down to the cafeteria. And I am eating lunch - usually something brought from home.

And I am walking more. At my old job it was five steps from my workstation to the file room where most of the documents I dealt with were stored. And the ladies room was about 20 steps from desk to door. At this company I am located in a different wing from my supervisor and the ladies room is even farther away (120-150 steps respectively - and YES I did count!). Which means among things I am walking more, or just overall moving more. Including the walk from back door to car, car to side door of work building, stairs then repeat at the end of the day.

AND when I wake up in the morning I feel hungry ... which for me is a new thing as well. Which means I am eating in the morning. Not Breakfast as in eggs, bacon and toast - but instant oatmeal or granola or a cereal bar. Which again is a lot more than I used to eat - or not eat. When I was home all day my only consistent intake was coffee. Which I still have each morning, however I am aware not nearly as much as I used to. I thought it would be the other way around truthfully.

All of which brings me back to my initial thought. I seem to be spending more minutes per day tending to my body's demands.

Which leads me to worry ………………

What will my boss think? Will he get annoyed if he cannot find me at my desk because I ran to the Ladies? Will his start keeping track of how many minutes a day I am away from my desk? Can you tell that I spent the last seven years working with a control freak who used to ask me each time I returned to my desk where I was?

*Sigh* Sometimes I even frighten myself with what I find my mind thinking about.