So my friend Gloria is coming for the weekend …

…and I am freaking out.

Now, it is important to say that my current stress is NOT Gloria’s fault in any way. She is probably the least non-judgmental person I have in my life. And I am confident she would not say anything to me, or anyone, simply to be hateful or self-righteous. I really admire her for that. I know I would be this anxious regardless of who the visitor was.

I am freaking out about my house, and the state it is currently in. One of the things people do not seem to realize about certain mental illnesses is that it affects more than just your mood. Other manifestations occur such as feeling so overwhelmed by daily tasks that you are simply unable to even start something. So it has been with me and housework over the past year or so.

I have never been the Queen of Housework. I am not the woman who scrubs and waxes her kitchen floor every Saturday morning. I rarely wash out my garbage cans, I thank the universe for frost-free freezers and I have been known to sleep on the other side of the bed to postpone changing the sheets. Something I can as I live alone.

On the other hand I am not a candidate for Hoarders and the Health Department would not shut me down or ban me from making anyone a sandwich (*fingers crossed*). The refrigerator is cleaned out often and the garbage makes it out for pickup. And I do have my super intense anal moments when the first thing I do on a Saturday morning is to dismantle the stove top and exhaust hood so I can wash every crevice. Once a year I take down the drapes and shake them out and wash the sheers as well as empty the china closets to dust everything.

After Mom died last June and I came home, washing windows or vacuuming did not feel like priorities. In fact things got to a point that just before Thanksgiving I hired a cleaning service to make my townhouse presentable for the guests that were coming. Something I had never done before – pay someone else to clean my home. And I felt bad about doing it, and needing to do it. As if I had failed in some fundamental way in the game of taking care of myself and being an adult.

When I had exchange students there was an unspoken social pressure to keep things up better, as well as the expectation to not gross out the kids. Since I now share my space with four cats and no other bi-pods I place “keeping up” lower and lower on my list of things I feel I must do.

As a result my home does not feel much like the refuge I want, and need, it to be. Each week seems to just add to the pressure and feeling of being overwhelmed by where to start.  So I struggle to even take baby steps, after all as long as the food comes on time and the water is changed regularly the cats have no interest in whether there is dust on the Dining Room table.

But now I have a guest arriving for the weekend. Which I am actually very happy about and anticipate we will have a good two days. Yet I feel that the latter will not happen unless my living space is pristine and perfect. That if it is less than that it will mean I am somehow lacking as a person, homeowner, or friend. A part of this may be ego for sure – that I am looking for validation because my home sparkles and smells like a field of wildflowers. Part may be my buying into media images of living spaces that never have clutter. The floors gleam, never is the sink filled with dishes, laundry is not piled up nor is there a ring in the tub. However if I was attacked in my home today and the forensics team hoped to find a stray fiber or hair to lead them to the assailant they would fail miserably.

When I am brutally honest with myself I know that most of my inertia and lack of action are based in anxiety and feelings of being adrift in life and society, while a small part of me still struggles to find purpose and relevance and relationships that are reciprocal. Intellectually I know that if my home was tidier I would most likely feel calmer. More grounded. But at the same time it all seems too overwhelming to even begin. And there is the cycle I am in at the moment.

I also have these old “tapes” playing in my head filled with comments from people who I should stop lending real estate in my consciousness. But for whatever reason their words found a bull’s eye in my insecurities and will not be dislodged. And the negatives that are flung at most of us through our life always seem to become permanent while the positives for me just slide off ass if I was Teflon coated. It is  a real mystery to me how people live with these things reversed.

 

While I ponder whether I am the only person I know who goes through this, at the same time fearing I am, I should start by clearing off the extra linens that got piled onto the guest room bed.

My contradictory relationship with bugs

Bugs are everywhere! I suppose it is a good thing that we are normally unaware of just how many bugs we live with on a daily basis, otherwise I for one would be too freaked out to ever sleep or walk outside my home.


Bugs make up more than half of all living things in the world. Today there are more than a million known species of bugs and there are many more waiting to be discovered. Scientists estimate that at any given time there are up to 40 MILLION insects in an area the size of a football field.

We as humans have decided that some bugs get to be classified as "beneficial", especially those that are pollinators or prey on less desirable species. These include bees, ladybugs, mantis and lacewings. 

It also includes spiders. Shudders. I have very strong feelings about arachnids. Very VERY strong feelings - most of them not all that positive. Though I think we have come to an agreement.

In my garden I understand and can even appreciate the benefits of spiders - preying upon and eliminating some of the more annoying other insects like mosquitoes, ants and flies. I have even come to terms with those that occasionally want to set up their webs outside my kitchen window. I realize that for them it is a good strategic move as the light from inside attracts flying insects into their webs. 

Big spider on the RIGHT side of the window ... OUTSIDE !

However if any insect ENTERS my home then all bets are off - full scale warfare will ensue. And I am not ashamed to boast that in the end I always win.

For the last couple of years there has been an issue with ants. These are not the tiny "sugar ants" that I remember my grandmother having to deal with - no, these are large black ants that crunch loudly when you step on them. For the past several years I have transitioned all the food storage in my pantry to either glass or heavy plastic containers. Finding you have to dispose of several pounds of brown sugars and cereal because of invasion is not something I want to go through again.

I have complained to the Association about these buggers. Because these insects have NOTHING to do with the cleanliness of my kitchen - these are Carpenter Ants. They are feeding on wet and rotting wood of the structure - most likely the sheeting of the unit side facing the main street. We have had problems there before. Additionally, workers have found significant wood damage from ants in all the trim boards. I have placed industrial strength insecticides into any nest openings when I can find them. I was assured that they would have a professional spray done this year - but not sure if/when that was done.

So until I get an answer or resolution back from the Association I guess I am fighting this particular battle by myself. Good thing my Arsenal is stocked. I just DARE any critter to cross this line of death ........

Yes I know I have a working dryer .......

HOWEVER - I only use it during certain months or for specific items.

I know, I know you are sitting there with a mouth agape thinking "WHAT????" Close your mouth or you will get flies. You heard me - just because I own a dryer doesn't mean I HAVE to use it for everything. Actually, I prefer to hang my clothes to dry for a few reasons:

1)  Line drying clothing is free once you have paid for the lines and clothespins. And you can usually get clothespins dirt cheap at yard sales. It is where a lot of mine came from.

My lines are set up spanning my laundry/utility room which also houses the water heater and furnace. Even during the winter the room is never freezing cold. And as I have windows in the room on two walls I can open them during warmer weather and increase the rate at which things dry.

2) Most people spend a lot of money on clothes and we expect them to last for a long time once we do. Well, a dryer does more damage to fibers than any other single factor. The agitation of the washing machine serves to work soap and water through a piece of fabric so that dirt and oils can be broken down and rinsed away. By comparison the almost violent tumbling and pounding items go through in the average dryer has the ability to distort and damage threads much more. Add to that the excessive heat and it is no wonder elastics wear out quickly and colors fade more rapidly. Hanging your clothing to dry extends their useful life.

3) It is actually healthier for you! NOT because of any bad side effects of dryer sheets or use of appliances in the home - but because you actually have to move your body. Instead of just sitting on the couch waiting for the dryer to buzz you reach, stretch, walk and lift as you remove heavy wet items from the washer and position them onto the clothe lines then take them down to be folded before being carried up two or more flights of stairs to the bedrooms or linen closet.


So I will continue to hang most of my laundry to dry for the foreseeable future thank you very much, and save the use of the dryer for things like heavy blankets, pillows and other items which are not washed as often or are just too heavy to make line drying practical.

Why Are There Sheep In My Garden???????

Well, I suppose the simplest explanation is because I put them there ... It wasn't as if they actually could walk up stairs themselves.

The real reason though is so they can dry off. Yes - that does mean that they were wet before. Very good  for you figuring that out on your own.

What? .... How did they get wet in the first place? Well DUH .... they had a bath. Or I mean .. *sighs* ... okay, not so much a BATH they went for a spin - literally.

Yes - there they are climbing out of their personal swimming pool. Believe me - they really NEEDED baths. See, my little lambs live in my office/studio and watch over all the activities within from their high and lofty perch:

Okay .. it is "possible" that I took some creative license with the term "high and lofty" - yes, those are the sewer pipes for the townhouse. But they ARE high!!! I should get points there at least.

Anyways ... back to the reason for the baths. One: They had not been vacuumed or washed since I acquired them at separate sales about five and seven years ago. Two: They had been discolored due to my bad habit of smoking in my office. Actually - this is the only room I did allow myself to smoke in. As a result they were very grimy, yellowed and dingy.

Now that I have quit smoking - my official stop date was May 1, 2012 - *waits for the applause and cheering to die down before I continue* - I am in the process of washing most of the items in my office/studio to rid it of the lingering smell and discoloring effects of the years of smoke.

Getting back to the sheep baths - as they are both made of real fleece, one has felt for feet and nose, the other uses a heavy cotton - I knew that putting them into the dryer was a very baaaaaaahd idea. So they got a few extra spins in their "bathtub" then out into the sun to finish the drying process.

And now, once again fluffy and clean, and smelling quite nice due to the addition of fabric softener in their rinse water - they resume their place as my mascots and overseers.