Friday Confessional

 Okay, here goes: 

I am not always a nice person, and try as I might I do not always love my neighbor as myself. I have moments, hours or days where I either want to punch someone in the face, push them down the stairs or just get in their face and scream.

Sometimes these people live in my house, or are family, or friends, or coworkers, or just someone I know through the Internet. But one of them will do, say or type something that I will need all of my will power not to respond to in a violent manner. But I will stew about it, and plot all sorts of retaliations in my head.

And here is another secret, sort of relating to the first:

Sometimes I really want to be the one in the limelight. Which I think is a bad thing. Not only because it is somehow shallow and vain, but I seem to have internalized a societal message that says big girls should not want to be the center of attention. After all nobody really wants to see a fat chick stand up and speak. And those who are subjected to such a display are probably focused on why that woman has such a lack of will power or discipline that she would let herself become that way. 

And yet .... I still have these moments when I want to be seen, acknowledged or thanked. And it can take me weeks to get into a frame of mind where I think "I CAN stand in front of a group and they will not laugh at me but think what I have to say is worthwhile or enjoyable." So I go through this process of mental gymnastics and talking to myself right up to the moment I have to stand there. Front and center. And each time I almost convince myself that THIS time it will be okay - it will live up to my rehearsals and I will walk away from the experience feeling good.

Except that most of the time it doesn't end as I want or hope.

A couple of posts back I wrote about the quilts I made for WCC, specifically the two portrait quilts for Rick Yount and Molly Morelli. I always have intense anxiety when I present quilts to people, especially special projects. And I was being very conscious of the fact I was not a part of the planning or work committee who put the event together and I did not want to step on anyone's toes - so I made very sure to check with two people on the committee about when they thought would be a good time to give the quilts to Rick and Molly.

Once I got the "Go Ahead" I moved fast - before I completely chickened out. Getting people's attention and then calling the hosts of the event forward. The toast to thank everyone and then giving the quilts. Except even though I had rehearsed what I wanted to say ... I felt pushed, rushed and did not even say half of what I planned. I felt as though I had to talk as fast as I could and get off stage before I lost people's attention and they started to whisper about me.

Plus the setting was not ideal - very loud, no sound system and I felt as though I was shouting at folks. So overall I felt the entire presentation was not done well. Yes I heard "Thank you" from Rick and Molly and a smattering of people nearby clapped.

But selfishly let me say what I had HOPED would happen. That some people would come over and want to take a closer look and really SEE the quilts. Instead they were quickly shoved back into bags. I wanted to hear, in person, some acknowledgements about the colors, workmanship - something. In fact the only comments I did hear were from people who asked what I had given them as they had not heard anything I said not seen what they were holding.

Instead what did happen was that another attendee, who had not asked anyone on the committee as I understand it, stood on a bench and for the next half hour talked and made "Awards" to various people who seemed to not really know what to make of it all. And then made a large production of a "book" she had created for Rick and Molly. By the time she was finished I could not have felt more deflated than if I was a week old balloon. In fact I felt so dejected I escaped into the Ladies Room to throw up and have a little cry.

What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I be that self promoting? Wasn't what I had to say or contribute as worthy of accolades and attention as another person? And how dare she act as she did. I just wanted that moment - but perhaps that was really just too much to ask for - as usual.

And why couldn't I just be happy with the nice comments I read on Facebook when I posted pictures of the quilts there? Why does it matter whether I hear the words in person or on a screen?

I have been turning this over and over in my head since it happened. And while my initial anger at the attention hag who stood up after me, and then proceeded to be more outrageous the next day as well, has abated a little - I am still upset and thinking mean thoughts about her. Like how many times her head would bounce off the treads when I pushed her down the stairs.

I told you I wasn't a very nice person.

Am I Missing Something ???

HUH ????

For the past year I have been a supporter of an organization called Warrior Canine Connection (WCC).  www.warriorcanineconnection.org.  Their mission and focus is fairly straight forward: Help warriors of any military branch learn to resolve some of the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) symptoms by working with future service dogs. By teaching the dogs that it is okay to be in a crowd, that a slamming door is just a noise and nothing to be scared of, how to interact with people in public and expose them to a wide range of situations and environments – the warriors also relearn these lessons. There is the added dimension for the trainers that they know these animals will one day be working dogs for a fellow warrior with physical limitations.

Now even though I would probably describe myself as a “cat person” – I like puppies, I like any sort of baby animals actually – so I checked out the site. And learned they had a live webcam on Explore.org. Boy were these puppies CUTE!  Two week old Golden Retrievers who were just beginning to scootch around their whelping box. I was checking in several times a day to see what they were up to and to read the other viewer’s comments. Some of which were silly, some sweet and some just … out there.

I began to get to know these other viewers and did a lot more reading about WCC, the founder and other research into the various ways that human and animal connections can help both – sometimes in ways we still really do not understand. I read a lot about service animals: history, training, breeding, rescues and testimonials. I even talked to vets I knew about their pets or animals they have known and/or taken care of while deployed.

I have become passionate about finding ways to not only inform others about this group but to help them as I can. And I have gotten to know some amazing people who, for their own reasons, also feel strongly about supporting this group, some of whom have gone above and beyond merely being an advocate to reaching out to get media coverage or physical improvements made to the facility.

But amid all these positive intents and intentions – I have also run into what I think of as the “Others”.

I believe that the Others are no less passionate or committed. And perhaps it is just that their reactions are the norm for them. But all too frequently what they chose to share online with postings or responses to postings cause me to raise an eyebrow in confusion. Perhaps it is just that hyperbole has become so common in our media it makes people feel as though replies and reactions need to be as well in order to have value? Or am I just a cold hearted wench?

For example: Last summer the first litter of puppies that had been on the live camera feed were leaving the main facility to go live with their “puppy parents” – people that would raise them for the next year or so and school them in basic obedience as well as make sure they attended special Service Dog trainings.  WCC allowed the cameras to show the process live, and there were many of the Others who were commenting about how upset they were, that they were sobbing while at their computers and some who said they could not bear to watch.

THIS is where I start to feel like a b!tch, when I want to respond to these folks – THESE ARE DOGS !!! Yes they are cute and fun to watch. However they are not yours, they are not being taken to the river to be thrown in while in a weighted sack – they are going to homes, receive training and then go on to do what they were bred for. To SERVE a wounded warrior.  Do not get me wrong, I have strong attachments to my own pets and mourn when one dies – I guess I can just see the greater purpose these puppies have in fulfilling an important function.

Then there are those who feel the need to “dog-i-fy” words and phrases as if that would prove to the Others their true support. So posts are now full of OMD (oh my dog), paw-some, high-paw (instead of high five) and LMWBO (Laugh my wiggly butt off). 

And finally there are the “writers” among the Others. And I put the word writers into quotation marks deliberately. And because I do acknowledge that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to other people’s writings. I don’t think spelling, punctuation, spacing, tense consistency or sentence structure should be optional. And yet, no matter how cringe worthy I may find a specific story or fictional scenario there will be a host of the Others who will laud the author with accolades, comments about genius and more weeping with deep emotion at their keyboards.

Is it any wonder that while I may have a cute paragraph or two come to mind, or maybe re-word a song’s lyrics to match an amusing event, I don’t share them with the Others. I am too afraid that their leader will somehow find a way to assimilate me into their mother ship – like the Borg.

I would make a very bad Seven of Nine.

Pushing My Comfort Zone

Last month I did something WAY outside of my comfort zone. I went away for the weekend.

This is unusual for me on two levels. First because I normally don’t have anywhere to go except my home at the end of the work week, my family no longer has a “Summer Place” where we used to travel to for various visits during the summer. And secondly because I went to meet up with a group of people, mostly women, who I only know from the Internet. In fact, there was only one woman present whom I had ever met before in person.

What we all have in common though is our passion for, and commitment to, a program called Warrior Canine Connection (WCC).  www.warriorcanineconnection.org. We were gathering to commemorate the one year anniversary of this group’s inception and connection with each other and WCC’s mission.

So a break in my routine combined with a large number of relative “strangers” and you could say I was a little stressed about the entire endeavor. Adding to my unease were the quilts – all four of them. Two which I had made for donation to a silent auction to raise funds for WCC and two I meant as gifts for the weekend’s hosts: Rick Yount, founder and Executive Director and Molly Morelli the dog breeder and Director of Dog Programs.

The two auction quilts I was feeling a bit calmer about. I had chosen to make one in patriotic themes and colors and the other featured cute dog faces with dimensional ears that flopped. Considering the mission and work done at WCC I felt certain that these two motifs would appeal to the majority of attendees and bidders. And they did – the quilts raised $475, with a real bidding war at the end on the dog quilt.

Dog Earred

Eagle Stars

My real anxiety was over the two wall hanging portrait quilts I had made for Rick and Molly. Over the past year of watching the three litters of puppies, their interactions with all sorts of people and seeing Rick and Molly’s daughter Mia grow up interacting with all these wonderful animals I noticed something. Many of the people who visited and were there to help socialize the puppies would bring presents for Mia. I understand that – she is a very cute inquisitive child and watching her interactions with the puppies can be quite humorous. But more and more I felt that some sort of physical recognition for Molly and Rick should be made. Not just donating to the cause or purchasing something off of the organization’s Amazon wish list. Not that those two acts are not important – but they don’t really honor these two people who seem to devote so much of their time and energies into making this program a success and helping as many veterans as possible.

The idea for the first quilt came to me in February 2013. A very active supporter and volunteer, Alice Belthoff, had been visiting the newly finished Puppy Enrichment Center (PEC) when Misty’s puppies were in residence. While there she happened to snap a picture of Mia – forehead to forehead – with one of the yellow Lab puppies. There was just something in the physical relationship to each other, the colors and composition that really hit me on an artistic level. I posted a comment to the picture on Facebook asking Alice if she would mind my using the picture as the basis for a quilt design. She agreed and Molly made a comment that she would love to buy such a quilt.

That was the spark that made my vague idea of interpreting this image into fabric a more definite plan. And then it was announced that there would be a get together in Brookeville for the one year anniversary. And of course, being me, I thought “I can’t make something for Molly without having something for Rick.” And my Internet search turned up a photograph taken several years ago of Rick with the original service dog Gabe – the one that had started Rick on the path of really looking into the people/dog connection and how it can help those suffering with various mental disorders – like warriors with PTSD.

Now I had my images, but what was I thinking????? I don’t have the skills to pull this off, they are going to wind up looking like caricatures, there is no way I can do two in three months on top of everything else !!! Yep, I had a real melt down there for a few weeks. But at this point no one but me even knew I was thinking about it, so if I started one and it sucked I could just toss it and none would be the wiser. But I found as I began the process that it went much faster than I had expected. And I began to think I could do this. So I told a few people online what was up, and now the pressure was on. I had to finish because others were waiting to see them. 

I do find that we, as artists and craftspeople, are the harshest critics of our own work. Even though people in attendance told me how much they liked them, and I was thanked by both recipients I look at each piece and think of what I could have done better, different or more intense work on. I am trying to just breathe through it, remember that “Done is Good” and trust that if they really were awful someone would have said something along the way. I hope.

"LEGACY" - Made for Molly Morello

"DEVOTION" - Made for Rick Yount

 

Experiencing a Thin Place



Melrose Abbey, one of the most pwerful Thin Places I have ever been to.



In a recent conversation the person I was speaking with made reference to a “Thin Place” which rather threw me. I had not come across that phrase before – well aside from teaching one of the girls how to roll out a pie crust and warning of pulling it too taut so it broke.

But the words stuck with me and I did some poking around on the Internet to see what I could learn about this concept from a spiritual perspective – which is the context I heard it in.

It is a phrase that seems to have originated within the Celtic community and is most commonly associated with the Spirituality of Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England. At the most basic level it refers to those places where we become aware of the other side of the veil, that very thin barrier which keeps up apart from the Divine, the past  or the presence of God most of the time. Other groups may call it spiritual discernment. Not everyone can sense it, experience the awareness of it or even believe it exists.

And that is okay. Perhaps it is not meant to be a group experience. Perhaps like many of the Gifts of the Spirit mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12 there are certain gifts each person receives, and asking for them all would not only be greedy but in many ways, overwhelming.  Spiritual gifts are different from natural talents. The spiritual gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy, faith, healing, miracles, spiritual discernment, speaking in tongues and the interpretation of tongues are special abilities imparted by God's Holy Spirit. They are not intended to gain personal attention and praise, but rather to help the recipient build up other Christians and strengthen their faith.

But getting back to the topic of Thin Places. The more I read the more I found myself nodding in agreement with what was appearing on my screen. And I began to think about the times in my life where I had this sense that there was more happening in that moment and that place, than just what I could see with my eyes. Times when I have touched a part of an old wall and been filled with a feeling of returning, of history or emotion that was out of proportion to the occurrences in that space and time.

There have been instances in my life where I would suddenly be gripped by feelings so strong they were almost tangible entities standing in front of me. Some of these experiences were frightening, some incredibly emotional and others sent strong tingles along my spine and fingertips. And contrary to what a lot of people might think, most of these “encounters” have not been in expected locations. Once or twice such a feeling has come to me at a ruined church or well known landmark. But most often it has been in more common moments. A front walkway, on a phone call, standing in a doorway, or a living room and once in a small woods.

In talking about Thin Places it can be helpful to make the distinction between such a place and a Thin Moment. I believe such moments are more common than places. Many of us have had an experience that we have felt at such a deeply personal and spiritual level that we cannot ignore the truth of the presence of God or the sense of Other. To date my most profound such experience was beside my grandfather’s bed as he was dying. But that is for another time.

So you may be asking – why would I be writing about this now? Mostly because of two specific instances that occurred in the last couple of months: Amy’s death and then a phone call from Hawk a few days later.

On Sunday, March 10^th the girls and I had driven down to Amy’s in order to drop off a week’s worth of meals for her, something we had been doing since she was let out of the rehab facility. This visit however was different from the first moment.

The apartment was not different and nothing all that out of the usual occurred, there was just a sense of change in the air. I am not sure either of the girls were aware of it but I do believe Amy picked up on it as well. She had taken a nasty fall the day before and aside from our usual tasks for her we had supplied her with two ice bags for the bruising which was causing her so much discomfort. Except this was more like a massive hematoma rather than just a bruise, and I asked her if she did not think we should have a doctor take a look at the damage. That is when she gave me the first of two “looks”. Not a hostile or dismissive look but almost one of KNOWING.

As we were leaving that afternoon I had a deep sense that I was supposed to try and say one more thing – as I turned in the doorway to address her in the special chair she relied so much on – the words would not come. But I did have the strongest urge to take a clandestine photograph of her. And a sense that this would be the last time I would ever see her.

This unfortunately became truth when two days later I received a call telling me she had collapsed and died a few hours earlier. At a deep level I was neither surprised not shocked by this news – I knew it from the first ringing of the phone. She had made her good-byes in her own way and was ready to leave her earthly body for a better existence. My moments of awareness were an example of a Thin Moment. An awareness of the greater spiritual forces and schedules at work all around us. Even when a person doesn’t believe in them, like Amy.

The next evening I received one of my sporadic calls from Hawk. However for the first time there was something in his voice that really grabbed me – a sense of finality and fate. And a sense of what I could describe as dread come over me – I remember thinking “This is the last time I am going to talk to him”. A feeling not eased by his words.

These two encounters seem to have almost reawakened something inside me. A heightened sense of awareness perhaps that I have been able to identify such moments and places since I was very young.   ­­­­­

A Conservative Comes Out of Her Shell

I went back and forth several times today in my mind about whether I was going to post anything regarding the current Supreme Court case which is looking at the question of whether DOMA should be overturned and is Gay Marriage somehow a constitutional right.

At first I was inclined to do what I usually do whenever one of these social issues arises in a wave on social media - keep my head down and avoid saying anything. And then I found myself asking "Why do I do that?"

And the answer is simple and a bit scary at the same time. Because it seems that whenever myself, or someone I know, posts anything that can be seen as conservative, deeply faith based or anti-liberal we get persecuted. And not just with a comment here or there that says "I do not agree with you" but with messages and replies that seem to say that not only is my opinion/belief/stand ignorant, uninformed, hate based, biased, un-American and/or wrong but that somehow it means that I hate group X, Y or Z.

These seem to me to be the same people however who get bent out of shape if I voice my own, at times strongly held, belief that another person's more liberal view may be seen as intolerant, bigoted, anti-Christian or morally wrong in my eyes. As though most social media sites are here to only promote one side of the discussion.

So to finally be true to my own self here are a sampling of things I believe:

1. I don't like that the rainbow, which I see as a symbol of God's Covenant between himself and his people to never again destroy the world with a flood is now seen by most people as only as the flag of the gay and lesbian community.

2. I do not hate anyone simply because they are gay. However that does not mean that I believe that church sanctioned gay marriage is a good idea, nor a biblical one. There is a reason God created male and female - each is needed to produce a child. Even a lesbian couple knows that without sperm there will be NO baby.

3. I am uncomfortable with calling it "marriage" at all. And I have heard the arguments about how it is not "fair" or it is "unequal" - but I am sorry. Whoever said that all of life has to be "fair"? If as a heterosexual couple you don't want to be married yet you still want to play house and have children - go to an attorney and get some other sort of legal documentation that will allow you to have shared custody of a child, or part of the house you bought together.

4. Regardless of who you are I really am not interested in seeing you try and ram your tongue down your partner's throat in public. Groping your date/fiance/boyfriend/partner's genitals in public is also not a sign of how evolved or "cool" you are - but how immature. You are having sex - we get it - congratulations .... now get a room. And it doesn't matter to me whether you are a complete stranger or a so-called celebrity. It is tacky and in bad taste.

5. I am annoyed at those who try to change the liturgy of the church into gender neutral language because they don't like saying "He", or it is too patriarchal or it somehow demeans women. I am sorry that your idea of God is so petty and your ego is so fragile that the word "mankind" causes you to believe that as a woman you do not matter. Please - get therapy and leave The Lord's Prayer alone. I don't need you to help me in this area.

6. I do not like the current occupant of the Oval Office. Not even a little. I didn't vote for him, cannot wait for him to leave and take his wife with him, and I don't trust him as far as I can spit. It has nothing to do with his ethic origin - I just think he is a snake and doing little to nothing to help the average working person like myself. And I want to see term limits on Congress as well. No more planting your ass in a chair for 40 years as if it is your "right". 

7. I am tired of hearing that I am not a "real" parent to my exchange students simply because I did not push them out of my body or suffer through potty training.

8. I get annoyed by the double standard at many work places when it comes to single versus married and childless versus parental  employees. You are married with a sick kid? Fine, work from home or leave early. No one says a thing. Single and need to take your dog to the vet? The world, or at least the office, is going to come to an end if you leave for a longer lunch break.

9. I hate that selection of judges to the Supreme Court seems to have come down to only one criteria: their position on Roe v. Wade. Really? All other Constitutional and societal issues have been made perfect so we only need to concentrate on this one case? And for the record - I cannot find one prior State statute that did not allow for a medically necessary abortion or one where the pregnancy was a result of incest or rape. And frankly the number of women who seem to use this option as a form of birth control makes me sick.

At that point I believe there should be the option to tie her tubes then find one of the many so called men out there who think it proves something that they can make a sperm donation without actually sticking around to be a father and force him to get a vasectomy.

10. And finally, at least for this rant, whatever happened to shame? Or personal responsibility? Or social embarrassment? Remember when people did not do certain things because their was pressure from society to behave in a civilized, or at least more polite, way? If you had five children by five different men there were social consequences and most people would not think your choices were to envied. It never used to be "cool" to walk around showing the world your underwear. Using the "F" word in every sentence meant you were an idiot and not someone to be emulated.

My great-grandmother did not arrive in this country with the expectation that everyone around her would of course print any official form she needed in her language - she had to learn English. The hard way - there was not any sort of service around to teach her in 1909. She and my great-grandfather would have to work for what they wanted: A house for their family, an education for their children, money to feed all those mouths and clothe everyone. They did not just sit down with their hand out and say "Hey, I came here and adjusting is too hard so please Federal Government, you must take care of me so I can sit on my ass and collect money from those other dumb schmucks who are working to support me". And before you think I am stereotyping - I see it every day. In the public housing project across the street from my home. Residents who have lived there the last 11 years that I have lived in my home and yet they still cannot speak more than two words of English.


So there it is. For those who already knew me I am sure not much of this was news. For those who thought they knew me - perhaps you did not know as much as you thought.

I do try very hard to not push my own beliefs and opinions down the throats of others. And I am sure that at least three people that I can think of off the top of my head will "un-friend" me on Facebook after reading this.

Oh well. I don't see that being friends means we need to see eye to eye on everything. We can agree to disagree. However if you have the right to Free Speech and to advocate for your causes ... then why don't I?

Adaptations and Work Ethic

Something I have been thinking about quite a lot over the last couple of weeks is how would I define my work ethic. Do I HAVE a work ethic, and if so is it a good one or not?

What got me on this subject were some events of the last month or so, both at home and at the office.

First – I am still trying to adjust to this new schedule. After going for so long with no real set hours for going to bed or having to get up I have to try and cut myself some slack as I adjust to this new early, at least for me, bedtime and my weekday alarm going off at 06:30 am. Not that I actually get UP at that time – I hit “snooze” several times before that happens. But I am not one of those who routinely open their eyes and rolls right out of bed. It usually takes me a while to adjust to the idea of sun, being awake and then actually getting into motion. I have always been this way. My mother says that even as an infant I would lay in my crib and just blink, look around or mutter to myself for a long while before I decided I was hungry or ready to actually get up.

I also don’t need much time to get ready in the morning. Showering for me is an evening activity and as I only wash my hair once a week it is just a matter of washing my face, deodorant, brush my teeth, make-up, get dressed and grab lunch from the fridge and I am out the door. Though I can experience a hitch in the schedule when it comes to the dressing part depending on my mood or if I discover something is not fitting the way I want on a particular day. But on average about 30 minutes is what it runs for me from getting out of bed to walking out the door.

It is once I arrive at the office where I feel things go off track a bit. Now don’t get me wrong I am glad to once again be able to earn the money I need to support myself, the girls and the cats. I think it is just that I am feeling rather at loose ends in some ways. From previous experience at being the “new kid” I know that things in the beginning can be slow as not only do I have to learn a new set of acronyms, procedures, names and timelines but those I will be working with need time to get to know me and my skill set and ways as well.

However that does not mean it is easy to adjust. Going from my last position where most days, especially during the last few years, it was non-stop all day with a lot of varied tasks to keep track of, to being at home. Focused on the job search and then my writing, the quilt group each week and being able to set my own schedule to this more structured environment.

Well, structured in some ways – not so much in other. In some ways I am feeling as though I was tossed into the deep end of a pool where I could not see bottom and there are no railings nearby. At other times I feel completely adrift with no direction and no purpose. I don't feel that my role here is really well defined and neither are my duties. On one hand some people would say "Great, you can create your own job" - however I know that I do better with more structure.

I have been assigned some specific tasks – but frankly, at this point none of them seem all that challenging or complex to me. Yes there are a myriad of moving parts but nothing more than keeping people focused and on track in sending me their information. Which leaves me a lot of time, too much time actually, without a clear game plan of what needs to be done. Or how.

Add to that the snowstorm we had here about four weeks ago, the one two weeks ago, Amy’s passing then my acquiring her cats and I find myself just wanting to stay in bed and not even try to come to work some days. Does that mean I don’t have as strong a work ethic as say my grandparents – or someone who would get up at 05:30 am to shovel out their car so they could get into the office regardless?

And then there is the technology factor. And why is it much too easy to waste time on the computer? I know there are things I need to do around the house – I just cannot seem to find the motivation and/or energy to tackle them. And I am not sure why. Is it the season? A mood swing? An onset of menopause? Or just laziness?

Just feeling rather “stuck” with no clear sense of how to UN-stick myself. What are your methods of coping when you feel overwhelmed and lackluster?