Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs - The Untold Story

Occasionally my brain takes a weird turn based upon something a friend may have posted online or said to me in person.  One such comment was made by a friend online a couple of years ago. It started like this:

Quote:

wvugurl, Looks like a beautiful day ahead of us, but alas, I'm still Sneezy. Or am I Dopey. My take on the Seven Dwarfs was that it was an allergy testing center for a major pharma, hehe.

And my response:

Oh no Sharing - you should KNOW by now how dangerous such a comment is .... it turns my little twisted brain down odd and scary pathways . And here is today's ................


From the files of Dr. W.I. Zard

• Bashful: In an effort to better handle his Social Anxiety Disorder the patient is now in counseling and on a regimen of Cymbalta.
• Doc: After years and years of being the authority figure for the other six, subject is now taking Amitiza for his Chronic Idiopathic Constipation.
• Dopey: Initially diagnosed as “slow”, this dwarf has more recently been identified as Autistic with savant tendencies. The group has elected to forego prescription drugs in favor of a controlled diet and supervised environment. Counseling is recommended to offset the associate self esteem issues from his unfortunate name.
• Grumpy and Happy: Recent genetic analysis has shown that the two are actually Monochorionic Twins. However due to a spell cast by the late Evil Queen’s grandmother on their mother the twins were not only born three months apart, but each was cursed to live at either end of the spectrum of Manic Bipolar Disorder. One being always Manic (Happy) and the other chronically depressed (Grumpy). Both are taking Lithium Carbonate while a reversal of the old curse is sought.
• Sleepy: Exhibiting all the classic traits of Narcolepsy the patient has shown a marked improvement in alertness and function since beginning treatment with Vyvanse.
• Sneezy: Severe environmental and seasonal allergies have been somewhat alleviated with the removal of allergen collectors, such as rugs and heavy drapes from the patient’s living quarters. Treatment with both prescription and OTC drugs for symptoms continues to be the best course of therapy.

************************

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 07/15/09 04:49 PM

Honey, Laughed my head off! And now...just have to ask for your take on Snow White! I still think I'm Dopey + Sneezy, haha!

****************************

Well Sharing, it took a bit of digging but I was able, for a price, to get a hold of some session notes on the princess in question.

Excerpted from various session notes of Dr. Mack N Tosh, USDA

* Subject presents herself as the daughter of a King and his deceased Queen. Having lost her mother in infancy she was raised primarily by Nannies and Staff. An emotionally unavailable father and self-centered step mother have limited her ability to form appropriate attachments to parental figures - thus she has learned to self-parent however with mixed results.

* During a recent session patient claims to have seen and heard her step-mother "talking" to a looking glass, and that the object "responded". Recommend further evaluation to determine whether any psychosis is present.

* Patient missed her last eight appointments. Her story is that her step mother is jealous of her and ordered the King's Huntsman to take her into the woods on a ruse and then murder her - bringing back her heart as proof. We spent a lot of time examining whether this is the truth or a perception that may have arisen from her feeling as though she must compete with her step-mother for the attention and affection of a pre-occupied father.

She reports that unable to return to her home she has taken refuge in a cottage owned by seven small men. Further probing revealed the "men" are not just small in stature but are actually dwarfs. Having obtained their names I feel it my duty to do a background search on these individuals. Disturbing is the information that one seems verbally abusive, one is rather mentally challenged and they all sleep together in the same room. I urged her to return home and speak to her father but she claims to be happier being the unpaid housekeeper for these dwarfs. We need to address further her self esteem issues.

* Having come up with no public records of any kind on the dwarfs I am still uneasy with her continuing residence in their home. I am concerned that the patient may be slipping into a psychosis as comments about dancing with woodland creatures, birds helping her clean and other animal related tales come more often during our discussions.

* A new "character" has emerged in the patient's odd tales of life in the forest - a man. She states that one afternoon as she was gathering nuts and berries and performing operatic duets with chickadees (note: we really need to focus on this delusion!) a man just "appeared" to provide a pitch perfect tenor-baritone to this little concert. She claims to have run off and not done more than exchange a "warm glance" with said man.

While I am pleased to see that she may indeed still be able to find a normal man of interest, indicating that she is capable of learning to form more appropriate relationships, I am concerned that she still seems to only be at ease with the dwarfs. The P.I. I retained to dig deeper into their backgrounds has learned that they seem to have an abundant supply of gemstones to use in bartering for goods - but no rational or consistent explanation as to where the come from. He is looking into robbery reports within a five shire area to see if there may be a pattern.

* Patient again missed some appointments and two very disturbing tales were told by her. The first being that she had fainted and almost suffocated to death after being too tightly laced with new corset ribbons by a passing peddler. And then soon after an old woman looking for a few coins was combing her hair when she again lost consciousness. Both times she states that the return home of the dwarfs, and their actions, are what saved her life. My concern is this is further deepening her unhealthy attachment to individuals outside her own species.

* Patient again missed her appointment.

* I have been unable to make contact with the patient for almost a year. Then this morning there was a front page story in a special edition of Kingdom Gazette:

The Resurrection of a Princess

Dateline: Road from the western forest

We learned today of a remarkable ending to the story of a Princess no-one even knew was missing. An unidentified Princess was found deep in the forest by a group of men on horseback.

How this Princess came to be "lost" Whether she voluntarily left her home, fled or ran away is still unconfirmed at this time. However what we do know is remarkable enough. She has been residing deep within the Western Hunting Forest at the home of seven dwarfs. We have been able to confirm through a confidential informant that the dwarfs are the owners of Stinken Riche, Inc. The largest producer and wholesaler of gems in the Northern Hemisphere. The partners have a reported combined net worth of more than $35 billion and have served by appointment to the royal household for more than 400 years.

While living in the dwarfs modest cottage the Princess was approached by a peddler who offered her a basket of apples. However upon tasting one of the fruit the Princess fell lifeless to the ground where her benefactors discovered her that evening. Doc, a spokesman for the group, told us that they were so upset by this event, and out of their deep affection for the Princess they constructed a special coffin of crystal at which they took turns keeping vigil. Locals in the area had been noting for some time an odd parade of forest creatures making regular trips to raid their gardens for flowers, but the initial reports had been dismissed as a result of too much indulgence in hard cider.

When questioned about the logistical and sanity considerations of preserving a dead body for that long without noticeable decay Doc told us of a new device the company was soon to file patents on that would chill flesh for extended periods of time to delay deterioration. They are calling the process "refrigeration" and say the toughest challenge still ahead is working out how to supply the needed power source to homes - something called "electricity". The complete story of this appears on page 12.

Sometime last week Prince Noname from Kingdom Un-nohn was passing through the forest and came upon this shrine to the young Princess. Here the stories conflict as to what happened next. Some claim the Prince, so moved by her beauty and the tragedy of her death, kissed her gently upon the lips at which point she woke up. Other sources say that the Prince commandeered the device she was laying in and had his men load it onto a wagon to take to his castle for further study. During that journey a large rut in the road jostled the coffin so violently that the piece of the apple which had lodged in the girl's throat was dislodged and she gasped and began breathing again. (Editors note: We find the second scenario much more plausible .... and hygienic)

Learning of the girl's Royal Blood the Prince took her back to his castle before trying to discover who her family is - whether for a ransom or a dowry no one will confirm.

As of this writing a Royal Wedding is scheduled for this summer.

* Patient has contacted me to say she will be taking a "break" from our sessions for a while as she needs to re-acclimate to normal (at least for her) life and concentrate on the wedding arraignments.

* There was another startling article in this morning's Gazette.

Dancing with the Devil

Dateline: Kingdom Un-Nohn

In yet another bizarre twist to the story we reported earlier this year about the "found" Princess there was a gruesome incident at the Royal Wedding Reception yesterday.

As our King and Queen arrived it was clear to onlookers that Her Majesty was rather agitated. An inside source has told us that it appears her ill humor arose from something she heard from her "magic mirror" regarding her step-daughter, the Princess Snow White.

Sources tell us that the Princess disappeared from the palace more than three years ago, however the public was never told. A spokesman for the King said they were told by the Queen that the Princess had gone to a finishing school for young royalty several hundred miles away.

Around the same time her long-time Nanny also left the employ of the King to retire and live with her family across the sea. We have been unable to locate Ms. Wharm Huggs to confirm this.

What we have been able to confirm though is disturbing. The Queen has been engaged for years in various kinds of Dark Magic and has been found to have several "familiars" within the palace which report back to her daily. Unsealed records show that our King is her fifth husband with the former spouses dieing of "unknown causes". It is believed her use of a spell may account for why the King never expressed concern or curiosity about his daughter.

It now seems likely that Princess Snow White fled out of concern for her safety after learning of the Queen's evil ways. Whatever the reasons the events today will not be forgotten soon by any in attendance. For upon entering the Reception Hall and seeing the face of the "new queen" whose wedding she was attending the Queen froze in her tracks. She then began to rant about how her mirror had told her "You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But the young queen is a thousand times fairer than you."

Everyone present were taken aback when the King then moved to the bride with tears in his eyes to embrace her. The Princess has steadfastly refused to answer any questions as to her origins so her relationship to our Beloved King was a complete surprise.

Witnesses report the King shook his head in an odd manner as if trying to shake off the effects of a long sleep - then turned and had his guards detain the Queen, who at this point was shaking with rage and dread at this public unveiling of her treachery.

As punishment for her wicked ways, a pair of heated iron shoes were brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She was then forced to step into the iron shoes and dance until she fell down dead.

Afterward the Bride, Groom and King left the Hall for approximately an hour before returning to a puzzled group of guests and a Hall devoid of any traces of the execution that had occurred, to continue their Wedding Feast.

We cannot help but wonder what long term effects this incident will have not only on the individuals directly involved - but on inter-kingdom relations as well.

* Met with patient for the last time. She has adjusted well to life as a wife and mother, and while she still retains a bit of naivete regarding people's motivations it is tempered with a better sense of caution.

There was a rough patch in her marriage early on where she was frustrated and angry with the Prince over his not living up to her romanticized expectations of him, and his aggressively eager-for-grandchildren mother. However with work and perseverance she has been able to establish some boundaries to keep all the parents out of the relationship between husband and wife.

She also has come to understand that the Prince's idiosyncrasies are just a part of being human. That not picking up after himself, snoring, spending too much time with his friends does not mean he loves her less and that she needs to choose her battles.

Having felt too narrowly defined as a wife and mother she is finding a lot of satisfaction in getting a new foundation off the ground. Funded by her friends the dwarfs, with whom she still maintains a close friendship, the foundation will be geared to empowering women to stand up for themselves. They have a prototype name of STFU.

Overall patient seems to have a measure of contentment and happiness in her life. And an understanding that life is not a fairy tale or something that just happens to you, but it is something you need to work on every day in order to get what you need and want out of it.