August 09, 2021 - Saying "NO"

I know this subject has been written about, talked about, been the subject of talk shows and self-help books almost ad nauseum ……

 

So why then is it still so difficult for some of us to consistently set boundaries and, at least for me, not spend days feeling guilty about saying “no” or just ignoring generic requests for help?

 

See – I have gotten a bit better not raising my hand to volunteer for every thing that comes across my computer screen or mailbox. And then I spend days, or weeks, trying considering whether I “should” have said “yes” or perhaps there is a way I could manage to do whatever the request was. Even as I remind myself that I had already done that job and it was thankless and stressful, or I really do not have enough personal resources to either do the task justice, or do it at all.

And this re-thinking my decision is not done at the intellectual level – at least not with me. I can cause my guts to churn and create killer headaches. Which can make me second guess whether I should have said “No” in the first place.

 

So, what keeps pushing me to acquiesce and say Yes to everything? Like many people I worry that if I am not helping everyone who asks then I will be perceived as selfish, unhelpful or even a bitch. I know it is a symptom of my deep-rooted sense that I need to be a People Pleaser in order to be loved and liked. As if I will only be judged worthy of being their friend, or they will want to spend time with me once I have proven my worth as a person.

 

Years of therapy and I still have only a little understanding of where this messed up thinking comes from. A part is a learned behavior from living with an alcoholic parent when I was growing up. And then there was a key inter-personal relationship with an abusive partner who did his best to undermine my self-esteem. Another factor comes from moving so often as a kid, having to re-start and try to make all new friends every 2-3 years, but knowing in the back of my mind that it would not last longer than our next move but desperate to make any form of connection while I could.

And perhaps it is just a part of my innate nature as an Introvert, one who never really liked change regardless of what I may say to others at the time.