Okay, here goes:
I am not always a nice person, and try as I might I do not always love my neighbor as myself. I have moments, hours or days
where I either want to punch someone in the face, push them down the stairs or
just get in their face and scream.
Sometimes these people live in my house, or are family, or
friends, or coworkers, or just someone I know through the Internet. But one of
them will do, say or type something that I will need all of my will power not
to respond to in a violent manner. But I will stew about it, and plot all sorts
of retaliations in my head.
And here is another secret, sort of relating to the first:
Sometimes I really want to be the one in the limelight.
Which I think is a bad thing. Not only because it is somehow shallow and vain, but I seem to have
internalized a societal message that says big girls should not want to be the
center of attention. After all nobody really wants to see a fat chick stand up
and speak. And those who are subjected to such a display are probably focused
on why that woman has such a lack of will power or discipline that she would
let herself become that way.
And yet .... I still have these moments when I want to be seen, acknowledged or thanked. And it can take me weeks to get into a frame of mind where I think "I CAN stand in front of a group and they will not laugh at me but think what I have to say is worthwhile or enjoyable." So I go through this process of mental gymnastics and talking to myself right up to the moment I have to stand there. Front and center. And each time I almost convince myself that THIS time it will be okay - it will live up to my rehearsals and I will walk away from the experience feeling good.
Except that most of the time it doesn't end as I want or hope.
A couple of posts back I wrote about the quilts I made for WCC, specifically the two portrait quilts for Rick Yount and Molly Morelli. I always have intense anxiety when I present quilts to people, especially special projects. And I was being very conscious of the fact I was not a part of the planning or work committee who put the event together and I did not want to step on anyone's toes - so I made very sure to check with two people on the committee about when they thought would be a good time to give the quilts to Rick and Molly.
Once I got the "Go Ahead" I moved fast - before I completely chickened out. Getting people's attention and then calling the hosts of the event forward. The toast to thank everyone and then giving the quilts. Except even though I had rehearsed what I wanted to say ... I felt pushed, rushed and did not even say half of what I planned. I felt as though I had to talk as fast as I could and get off stage before I lost people's attention and they started to whisper about me.
Plus the setting was not ideal - very loud, no sound system and I felt as though I was shouting at folks. So overall I felt the entire presentation was not done well. Yes I heard "Thank you" from Rick and Molly and a smattering of people nearby clapped.
But selfishly let me say what I had HOPED would happen. That some people would come over and want to take a closer look and really SEE the quilts. Instead they were quickly shoved back into bags. I wanted to hear, in person, some acknowledgements about the colors, workmanship - something. In fact the only comments I did hear were from people who asked what I had given them as they had not heard anything I said not seen what they were holding.
Instead what did happen was that another attendee, who had not asked anyone on the committee as I understand it, stood on a bench and for the next half hour talked and made "Awards" to various people who seemed to not really know what to make of it all. And then made a large production of a "book" she had created for Rick and Molly. By the time she was finished I could not have felt more deflated than if I was a week old balloon. In fact I felt so dejected I escaped into the Ladies Room to throw up and have a little cry.
What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I be that self promoting? Wasn't what I had to say or contribute as worthy of accolades and attention as another person? And how dare she act as she did. I just wanted that moment - but perhaps that was really just too much to ask for - as usual.
And why couldn't I just be happy with the nice comments I read on Facebook when I posted pictures of the quilts there? Why does it matter whether I hear the words in person or on a screen?
I have been turning this over and over in my head since it happened. And while my initial anger at the attention hag who stood up after me, and then proceeded to be more outrageous the next day as well, has abated a little - I am still upset and thinking mean thoughts about her. Like how many times her head would bounce off the treads when I pushed her down the stairs.
I told you I wasn't a very nice person.
