The Quilt of Guilt

Have you ever started a project with the best of intentions? And then no matter the intentions you just cannot seem to finish the bloody thing?

That has happened to me more than I like to admit. However this post is about a specific quilt. A T-Shirt quilt for my friend Sheila. A quilt I committed to with a casual comment last August.

See Sheila's husband is turning 40 this year and way back when he had a relative who made him a quilt out of his high school t-shirts. A quilt that has since disintegrated with use I believe. And he had a box of t-shirts from his college days just sitting in his closet. A box he has moved to several states and different homes along the way. A box whose contents Sheila felt would be great for his birthday gift - made into a quilt. And I spoke up and said "I could help you with that".

That is how I received a box at my home with over 30 old t-shirts. Some of which had been worn rather thin, in a variety of colors and designs. Some quite garish in my personal opinion. And a lot that revolved about his fraternity, golf tournaments and music.

After going through the box I stuffed them all back inside and wondered just what the heck I had gotten myself into. Add to that the staggering lack of information online about how to best make such a quilt - but no end of opinions from anyone who has ever threaded a needle about the "right" way to go about this.

REALLY?

*Sigh*. Enter one of my host daughters - Pauline. Who one evening, I believe the first week she was living with me, followed me into my studio just to "watch" and then became so interested in the idea that she dove enthusiastically into helping. She became my "ripper" - taking apart these old shirts so we were left with just the interesting graphics. She then got into picking fabrics to border each piece - she has a good eye. I then showed her how to press versus iron and how to square up a block with a rotary cutter. Keeping in mind this is a girl who never even sewed on a button before. We had quite an efficient assembly line system going there for several nights.

Then life intervened and we let it sit for way too long without working on it at all. This is where the guilt part comes in. Every time I walked into my studio I felt as though this project was STARING at me. Accusingly. Each time I worked on anything else I felt it’s condemnation as though wondering why I was not working in it.

I hate being guilted by inanimate objects.

Then Sheila sent me a message about her husband's birthday coming up early in February .. AACCCKKKK !!!!! That message added to the impetus of my participation in the DaGMT 2013 challenge helped get me moving. So yesterday I worked from home - for about a half a day (sick kid) and then buckled down. And ..................



I finished one side's sections:  

                      And the sections for the other side:

Now to add them in a Quilt As You Go manner, add a border to side 1, square it up, tie it and bind it. All by Monday, February 4th so I can get it shipped to Sheila in time for her hubby's birthday.

On the other side this is sure to guarantee that I will make my minimum committment of time to the DaGMT  !!!!

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UPDATE: Well - I actually managed to do it. The quilt was finished and mailed off on February 4th and received by the birthday boy ON his birthday.

Skirting the Issue

Yes I know. A really bad play on words. I would apologize except that I rather like bad puns. 

So there.

 Besides, when was the last time YOU went shopping for a skirt? Just a simple skirt. Not something slit to "there" or so short you are afraid to raise your arm for fear of revealing to the world the color of your panties. Something not made of leather or an odd itchy polyester. Not beachwear or club wear with spangles. And something with a waistband. And pockets would be good. And just to make things much more challenging how about making it from mostly cotton or wool?

Honestly, Indiana Jones had an easier time finding the Ark than I do when shopping for skirts.

See, I don't wear pants. Not that I have any sort of religious or political objection to pants. I just don't find most of them comfortable or flattering. In fact I believe I own only four pairs:

1. Jeans bought to go horseback riding with because they would not allow skirts.
2. Red linen slacks that "might" get worn once a year to work.
3. Sweat pants that actually are too small right now.
4. Denim like cotton flared pants purchased to wear in Florida last September.

On the other hand I probably own at LEAST 40 skirts - likely more. I haven't counted them in a while. I tend to hold onto my skirts for years. Partly because I favor solid colors in simple lines and as they are usually so hard to find I take good care of them so I don't have to try and hunt down new ones. The last time I was in a mainstream store hunting for some new skirts to wear to work I felt as though the clerks looked at me as if I had sprouted a second head when I asked where the skirts were. One even scratched his head and said "Do we even CARRY any skirts?"

*Sigh*

The last couple of days I have been paying close attention to how the other women in my office are dressed. Everyone, well almost everyone, dresses what I would consider quite appropriate for a conservative workplace. Keeping in mind the parent company is European and they don't "Do" Casual Fridays or jeans. But out of the at least 100 women I have run across in the halls or cafeteria - only TWO were wearing a skirt or dress.

TWO !!!!

Now, this may get me labeled as incredibly old-fashioned and out of touch, but when did skirts go "out of fashion" as workplace attire? Did I miss a memo? Or a report on MSNBC? Is it because most women don't like how their legs look in the winter so they wear pants then - which has the added benefit of not needing to shave quite so often. Or is it more than just a seasonal trend and they still avoid skirts once the weather is warmer? Of course unlike many other women I know I still wear panty hose as well. I know, I know - pin that Old Fashioned tag on me now and get it over with.

Has anyone else noticed a real reduction in the number of women they see wearing skirts? And what are your reasons for wearing them - or not.

Who Decides What Beauty Is?

This little exploration through the tangled briers of my thought process is brought to you courtesy of a posting I saw on Facebook:

Julie GainesLife of a whovian fan-girl: January 24

I saw this on tumblr and it made me very angry. I know that this page is very good at fighting hate aimed at fans, so I decided that this would be the page to share this with so the massage gets out there.The comment that went along with this:"Wow. I’m sure you’ve all seen this girl’s fantastic tardis dress floating around here the last week or so. She hand painted the inside and everything, and she just looks plain great. But of course, I see it posted on Facebook, and the slew of comments begin.

“I don’t think it’s a mystery as to why I, as a bigger girl, spend the week before a convention crying because I’m so nervous about what people are going to say about me just because I want to dress up and have fun like everyone else. And there is something really, really f*cking wrong with that.”

Edit: I am NOT the girl in the photo, so please stop sending me friend requests. ALSO, I did not post this for the girl. She is beautiful and probably knows it. Look at her smile. I did however post this for the men who made those comments.

Now, my initial reaction and reply to this posting was:

M. D. First of all - as a larger Zaftig woman myself all I see is a lovely talented young lady. While I am not a Dr. Who fan personally I can still appreciate talent when it is right in front of me.

Having said that ... WHY are people still so willing to accept that there is only ONE standard of beauty? Societal tastes change all the time. At one time pale white skin was prized and tans viewed as ugly. Cultures have worshipped the curvy female form for centuries and viewed with distaste and pity the waifs who they felt were not up to the task of bearing healthy children.

When did we all become such sheep that we blindly follow what a small number of gay male fashion designers tell us is the only "acceptable" female shape?

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NOTE: I am not a Dr. Who fan and had NO idea what a "Tardis" was. So for clarification to all those other readers who don't know -

The Tardis (Time and Relative Dimension in Space) is a time machine and spacecraft in the British science fiction television programme Doctor Who and its associated spin-offs. In the series, the Doctor pilots an apparently unreliable, obsolete TT Type 40, Mark 3 TARDIS. Its chameleon circuit is faulty, leaving it stuck in the shape of a 1960s-style London police box after a visit to London in 1963.

This little snippet of thoughts though would not go away. If you Google the words “beauty, standards, historical” or the question “What were beauty standards in the past” you will get hundreds of pages and just as many varying viewpoints.

Some writers will tell you that during Period X “this” was the ideal and then during Period Y “that” was considered what women should look like. Many of these people will cite the art of the time as the rationale for their conclusions. However couldn’t it also be just a factor of patron’s taste and what they ordered?

Imagine it is 1750. Duke A pays for a portrait of his beloved wife who stood barely 5’ and weighed all of 90 pounds soaking wet with thick blonde curls who had given him seven healthy children. And Earl J commissioned a painting of his adored mistress who was 5’6” and weighed 250 pounds with baby fine brown hair. What conclusion would we make then of the “ideal” standard of beauty in 1750?

We cannot. We can however conclude that for whatever reasons these two women were valued and cherished by the man in their lives since they went to the trouble and expense of having their portraits done.

However, over the centuries there are some traits which seem to be more prevalent than others.

• Ancient cultures (prior to say 500 AD) have portrayed goddess images that show to varying degrees a belly on women. Some more pronounced than others, but even the ancient Greek goddesses showed a softness to the belly and saved the “six packs” for the men. The statues of the Mayans, Inca, Australian Aborigines and African continent often show the woman’s figure as plump and bursting with energy. For me this shows an acknowledgement, and sometimes a reverence, for the woman as life giver. The one who nurtures a child within her own body in order to perpetuate the culture or society to which she belongs.
  
  
  
  
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  There seemed to be a real trend during the Elizabethan Age towards white skin. Partly I believe as a way to emulate the queen even when it went to ridiculous and dangerous lengths. Women would use arsenic and lead based cosmetics which could ultimately kill them. However you see throughout the art of the 15^th – 17^th centuries a clear difference in the skin tones the women in paintings. There seems to be an accepted belief that women of higher breeding, or upper class women, had paler skin and softer hands. While lower class, or working women, had skin darkened by the sun and hands weathered and callused from years of hard work. Though I think this also could be a commentary on someone’s socio-economic standing and not just a statement of beauty.
  
  
• 
  

  During the mid-1800s you see ads in women’s publications promising smaller and smaller waists with the newest type of corset. Then in the 1890s the marketing trend added pads you could tie around your waist to make your backside appear more prominent.
  
  

  

  
  
  

Things take a drastic swing by the 1920s when foundation garments are now geared to flattening a woman's assets in order to achieve the almost boyish figure of the Flapper.

In more recent decades we have seen hair lengths rise, fall than rise again – along with the hemline of skirts. Women co-opted men’s clothing, wore interpreted versions of what we thought a pioneer woman would, drowned in bright neon colors then blended into the background in a mind numbing array of neutrals and browns. We have ironed our hair then got perms. Spent hours with a blow dryer and then went with the wet look. Our lips have been painted crimson, white, blush, brown and coated only with gloss. We have plucked our eyebrows, struggled with fake eyelashes and spent too much time and money having acrylic nails applied and maintained. Stockings were In – then Out – then In again but only if they were colored. Heel heights have been anywhere from non-existant to a toe crushing 5”+.

WHEN are we going to finally stand up and reclaim our right to decide as individuals what is beautiful to us? Will we actually come to a place as a society when we tell the tabloid media and the fashion industry to shut up and quit pushing their narrow minded views down our throats. Or have we become so sheep-like that such a strong sense of our own self-worth has been forever weakened.

It saddens me to consider that latter statement may be true.

My Mind Went A Wandering ....

Here is something that most people won't talk about but almost everyone has thought about.

Their bathroom habits.

Not whether they use the paper "shields" or how much they wash their hands, but tending to this need in public. Especially at work.

We all have our own version of regular or normal. But now that I have been working for about two weeks things are .... changing. Not the sort of changes that make me think "Oh no - I need to run to the doctor" but different. Admittedly when I was home most days I really did not have much of a schedule even though I did make an attempt to maintain a regular bed time and rising time.

But truthfully the only meal I use to eat on a regular basis was dinner - both before the girls arrived and after. However I made a comittment to myself that I was going to eat lunch each day. And by that I really meant I will leave my desk each day for about 20-30 minutes and go down to the cafeteria. And I am eating lunch - usually something brought from home.

And I am walking more. At my old job it was five steps from my workstation to the file room where most of the documents I dealt with were stored. And the ladies room was about 20 steps from desk to door. At this company I am located in a different wing from my supervisor and the ladies room is even farther away (120-150 steps respectively - and YES I did count!). Which means among things I am walking more, or just overall moving more. Including the walk from back door to car, car to side door of work building, stairs then repeat at the end of the day.

AND when I wake up in the morning I feel hungry ... which for me is a new thing as well. Which means I am eating in the morning. Not Breakfast as in eggs, bacon and toast - but instant oatmeal or granola or a cereal bar. Which again is a lot more than I used to eat - or not eat. When I was home all day my only consistent intake was coffee. Which I still have each morning, however I am aware not nearly as much as I used to. I thought it would be the other way around truthfully.

All of which brings me back to my initial thought. I seem to be spending more minutes per day tending to my body's demands.

Which leads me to worry ………………

What will my boss think? Will he get annoyed if he cannot find me at my desk because I ran to the Ladies? Will his start keeping track of how many minutes a day I am away from my desk? Can you tell that I spent the last seven years working with a control freak who used to ask me each time I returned to my desk where I was?

*Sigh* Sometimes I even frighten myself with what I find my mind thinking about.

Busting my stash of UFOs

One of the local quilt bloggers I follow, and have pattern tested for previously, is once again holding her annual sewing marathon. It is similar to the idea of NaNoWriMo which I have written about before, and participated in this year. In fact I have a draft book ready to send to a publisher for review. Well, just as soon as I find the courage to hit the "Send" button on my e-mail!!

So now that I have tackled getting that project underway I thought it was time to work on my guilt complex about my sewing. And the ever growing number of unfinished projects or UnFinished Objects (UFOs) I seem to have acquired.

In fact I made up two spreadsheet pages for these items. One sheet showing projects or quilts that have already been started with a list of what still needs to  be completed. And another that is just projects I have in mind but have not yet started cutting fabric for.

But before I can get to page 2 I really need to work on page 1. So ..... 


"I, Melissa J. Dawson (quilter who is drowning in UFOs) am joining Quilting Hottie Haven's second annual DaGMT (Drop and Give Me Twenty) event, and pledge to quilt for at least 30 minutes (or until my fingers bleed) every day of the month of February, 2013. In doing so I hope to reduce my number of UFOs by either finishing them, tossing them or re-purposing them in order to reclaim my sanity and let go of the guilt of not working on them at all. (And I think Beth Helfter is brilliant for coming up with this concept and inspiring me to join - I had to add that, Beth wrote it !)."

I will be taking pictures soon of my UFOs and will keep y'all updated on my progress.


*Fingers crossed*

The Frustration of Looking for a Job

As of today I have applied for 360 positions since I was laid off in November 2011. More than half of these included writing a specific cover letter and/or going through a rather lengthy application online process on a specific company's recruiting website.Within that number there are some repeat companies and recurring agencies - but still..............

I have reached out with e-mails to past co-workers and others in my Linked In network. Not asking for a job, just trying to stay connected - then hopefully if an opportunity does come up they will remember me. I also counted it up - and I have enrolled with 25 different agencies and head hunter companies. And have set up profiles on at least 12 different web sites that are geared towards job seekers.

  I have also taken the required, and some of the optional, sessions offered by the local Job Center which is run by the Department of Unemployment Assistance in Massachusetts. 



So why then have I only had interviewed with FIVE actual companies???? These were for long term temporary assignments as well as full time positions. 

 And it didn't work out as best I know because I never heard back from the recruiters or interviewers even after we talked several times after the interview.

 I work into almost all conversations with new people I meet that I am open to any new employment opportunities - without actually saying I am out of work. Except lately I have started including that phrase as well.

I never thought I would be out of work this long. It really is the longest I have ever been out of work in my entire adult life.

 About two months ago I tried a new job search tool - which frankly I am not planning to use again. This "tool" will tell you how many other people have applied for the same job which you just did. It also breaks down the years of experience they have, degrees, industry experience etc. I found it more depressing than helpful so I elected to not use that anymore.

 But now things are changing again. I received a notice from the state department of unemployment telling me that the program under which my current benefits are being paid out of is a federal program that will be ending December 29, 2012 - regardless of whether my account shows a balance still available or note. As best I can tell this is another effect of this "fiscal cliff" which the news has been talking about.

 This means that as of January 1st I have no earthly idea just how I will pay my bills. Considering this I suppose it is not all that surprising that I had a full blown panic attack and meltdown two days ago.

 
I shared my state of mind with two groups I belong to online. I am blessed in that neither of them had anyone who was less than supportive and no one even hinted that I was not trying hard enough or that any way it was my "fault" I could not find work still. However both groups did have similar comments and rather than repeating myself I thought this would be a good way to address some of the questions that came up.


Networking: I will confess that in some ways I was a complete novice to this idea when I first started this process. I still find it a bit difficult to "sell" myself.

I just sent out a new e-mail to former co-workers, bosses etc. letting them know that I am still seeking employment and would appreciate any inside information of open positions they hear of.

Job Boards: One of the dirty little secrets of Human Resources is something I learned during my last position. More than half of the jobs you see posted on a website do not really exist. What I mean by that is that the positions have already been filled. The company found someone referred by a senior manager or a position was created for a specific person. However in order to satisfy the company's EEO requirements they post the position for a specific period of time so that they can show a list of "applicants" for a position when it comes time to do their annual reporting.
 
Temporary work: I have definitely looked into this several times. There have been three issues with this however.

* The first is the pay scale. With a small exception all the temporary positions I have talked to agents and recruiters about pay LESS than what my unemployment insurance does.

* The second problem is that none of these were listed as Temp-to-Perm which I would most definitely consider as I have found positions this way before.

* The third issue is perhaps the most difficult. If I take a temporary position then of course I am no longer eligible for Unemployment payments. If I am not longer receiving UI payments then I can no longer participate in an auxiliary program called Medical Surety (MSP). The MSP allows for a refund of up to 80% of the monthly payment I am making for my COBRA medical insurance. Without this program I could not afford to keep my medical insurance.

And dropping my insurance is very much a last ditch step. I take medication every day, and most likely will for the balance of my life. And even with the generic substitution without insurance it is quite expensive. One of the group members asked whether "Obamacare" would help me at all - it will not. In fact, in Massachusetts the sort of state medical plans available are beyond my budget as well. However if you do not use them - you are assessed a monthly fine at the end of the year on your taxes.


So here I am today. Looking at December and wondering "What Now?". Well there are some steps I have already taken and will be looking at come Monday:


Mortgage: I have spoken to my mortgage company and after acquiring the proper forms and documents I have submitted a hardship request to help with the payments for a period of time.

Medical 1: I am working with my doctor to "stock up" on my medication before I need to drop my COBRA insurance. We are hoping to get a six month supply in stock for me.

Medical 2: Two days ago I received a very unexpected and generous statement. I have been seeing a chiropractor for several months. Both for re-alignment of an ongoing issue and as a stress reliever which has served a secondary benefit of assisting me to sleep better. The doctor's office contacted the billing department and DRAMATICALLY reduced my weekly co-pay amount thereby drastically cutting my balance due to less than half. What a very nice surprise.

Public Services: The letter I received from the state pointed me to some alternative assistance programs such as food stamps, utility assistance and other programs to help with housing. I will be contacting them on Monday.

Income options: I was approached by someone I know who has asked if I would be willing to consider cooking for them weekly so they can be frozen for use during the week. I also need to re-connect with a local real estate agent who has indicated he would like me to work with him in helping his clients during foreclosures and other less than desirable home situations.  


So overall where does this leave me today? In many ways right where I have always been. Held securely in my Father's arms. I will hold onto my faith and trust that He wishes only good things for me and my household.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart...I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. - Psalm 37:4, 25

Feline Pharmaceuticals

I have been babysitting two elderly cats for about a month now - one of them requires two separate medications daily. Anytime you need to get medications for an animal it can be an interesting adventure - this is one such excursion.

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I went over to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Ben Nevis a week ago - the elderly 15 year old cat I am currently baby-sitting.


Picking up medication for any animal at a "regular" pharmacy is always such a treat. First you have to justify to the clerk why you are asking for medication that is not n your name. Ummmm .. because the "patient" is a cat and doesn't have a drivers license? But let me back up - because the weirdness starts before you even pick up the final vial of meds.

When I have had to drop off a prescription for one of my animals it seems as though the intake person loses the ability to read. The script clearly says it from XXX Animal Hospital and/or Dr. ____ DVM. Wouldn't you think that might be a clue that this is not for a person??? But I am usually asked if I have an insurance card for the patient.

Now part of me understands that in a way I create some of the confusion. I have had cats named Abraham, Mary, David and Naomi .... those names I can understand creating confusion. But Tigger, Jericho or Shadrach ... really? Those strike you as normal names for a person? Of course considering some of the really bizarre names I have seen people give their kids in the last few years I suppose it is not THAT odd that
they would not question the name.

So I am willing to cut them a bit of slack. Except now at this point we have established the fact that the prescription is for a cat - they still ask me stupid questions.

While waiting for meds I have been called over and asked: "This liquid formula comes in either Bubble Gum or Grape - which do you think the patient would prefer" - to which I have replied "Neither actually - how about cod liver oil? or tuna juice? Do you have any of that?"

Then I get the look that says they are wondering if I am completely out of my mind I have to remind them that we are dealing with a CAT!!! And I do not really think he is going to care or like either bubble gum or grape.

A couple of years ago I had to fill a prescription for Abraham during his last few months. I was paged over to the pharmacy desk because they had a question. The first part of the question was ... "How old is Abraham?", to which I answered "Seventeen".

The technician then asked what his birthday was, and commented that it was very unusual that someone so young would be on this particular medication. I sighed and asked her to read the prescription pad again - she stared at it rather blankly. so I pointed her toward the letterhead - still no response. So I very slowly said "See the  name of the doctor? And the D V M ???? And that the clinic name is ANIMAL HOSPITAL??? Does this not say "animal" to you and not a person???"

Now, getting back to this recent foray for Ben Nevis - who is a very sweet elderly cat with arthritic back legs. First, the order was not filled or ready - because it seems that when the Natick animal hospital called it in there was some information they could not provide. So first things first - they had not understood the complete name of the "patient" - explanation #1: this is a cat and I am not the owner I am caring for the cat for his owner. So we corrected the last name and the spelling of his first name. Then this same clerk asked me, with a straight face, if I knew his birthday .......... really? Let's just move on.

We make it through the rest of the data such as address etc. and then I sat to wait. Once the order was completed I asked if I could speak to one of the pharmacists since I had a question about the other supplement Ben Nevis takes. So the pharmacist comes out and I explain what I am looking for. So we walk over to the supplement aisle and look at the joint health compounds. However this store did not carry the brand and dosage I was looking for in a capsule - however this very nice woman suggested, again with a straight face, that there was an alternative if I did not want a gel cap for an elderly man. As she removed a bottle from the shelf and held it out to me I almost wish there had been someone there with a camera to catch my expression. Which must have been so odd it even stopped her in mid motion.

And as I looked from the bottle to her and back to the bottle again I arched a brow in a look that must have said "You ARE kidding right?" Because what she was giving me as an option was a suppository!!! Yeah ...... NOT. She started to try and justify this option by saying how for a lot of elderly people who have digestion issues this works best. So yet once again I had to explain that the "patient" is a CAT ... C ---- A ---- T ..... and while I could handle breaking up little pills into four pieces and giving him two pieces a day I was NOT going to be pushing things up his butt !!!!